Extremes

Last night was a combination of simple things and complicated things.  I'm glad life is filled with both.  I'm thinking I should start with the complicated things.

Complicated Things

R and I went to see Her.  I still struggle to find words to describe it.  When it finished, the entire cinema was dead silent, and people just sat there speechless until about halfway through the credits where a few of them decided to leave.  The rest of us just sat there silently until the last credit rolled and the lights switched back on.  We were supposed to get dinner afterwards, but eating seemed trivial, so we drove aimlessly for a while before picking up fast food (because we knew we should probably consume some calories even if it was the last thing on our mind).

We also had (what was from my perspective) a second significant dicussion in our relationship.  We do lots of discussing, but this was the second time I have actually felt like there is a real problem.  Luckily, in what is a very good sign, we are now 2/2 in terms of resolving things :)  The first problem (back in late December) arose, I confronted it the next day, I got the extra information I was missing, and it hasn't reoccurred and things have been great since.  This problem again I made myself bring it up as soon as I noticed it wasn't going away on it's own, and surprisingly I now feel comforted and like I have less to worry about.

R is having drinks with K, who mutual friends have been telling her she should date him.  K has been separated from a bad marriage for 9 months, so this would be her first brush with polyamory I'm assuming.  There are two possibilities:  R's friends are right and they hit it off, or he and K decide they're better off as friends or decide on some level of casual dating/sex.  The first one is obviously the "threat", though since his reassurance last night I am pretty confident it wouldn't change his decision to date me, so the only actual threat would be to the amount of time he has spare for me (and so far our past dicussing ability bodes well for us to actually be able to discuss that so that it never goes from a molehill to a mountain).  There is also the slight risk that dating someone new to poly might mean she will expect him to act the same way someone would in a monogamous relationship, but that part is none of my business (unless it starts encroaching on my time with him).  My relationship with R is exactly what my personal script wants (and the way it is set up now I can see plenty of opportunities for personal growth and finding myself in an even happier place over time), even if it doesn't come with the same stamp of approval that the social script gives, and I'm not going to let my insecurities compromise it (because these fears are going to keep reoccurring with the next partner and the next and the next until I learn to deal with them healthily instead of backing out).  I am excited to see where this relationship will take me, and hopefully our relationship will result in R also finding himself in an even better place in his future than he is right now :)

R really likes me for me, the part of me that I consider most core to myself.  He likes that I second guess things and then second guess my second guesses and am prepared to be wrong.  He likes my overthinking, even if the way I think about things is complex instead of simple.  It's also reassuring, because this trait can be off-putting for many people in relationships, and this trait is the chink in my armour.  And it's an ability he does himself (which is why I owed it to myself to pursue a relationship with him and see what it would be like).  And so in that sense, things are simple.

Simple things

Overthinking things can remind you of how simple something is.  R likes my overthinking, he remembers things I say, and then he does them (which reminds me, I probably should let him know that it doesn't go unnoticed :D ).  At the end of the movie, we were able to sit there in mutual silence for an indefinite period that didn't need to end anytime soon, knowing that nothing was wrong, that no one was being ignored.

It's interesting, it's like I have the relationship from my childhood with Kieran where we can break all the rules and somehow still stay together and happy, and now I have this adult relationship with R.  And as much as the relationship with R is harder (at this stage I don't feel like I have the same leeway with him that I have with Kieran), I'm really happy I have both.  I have always wanted a grown-up relationship, even if being a grown-up is hard sometimes, so it is very satisfying to my brain to finally be with someone who appreciates communication and prefers something healthy to Disney fairytales (which are super fun over the short term but not so good over the long term), and I really want to see what this successful-so-far relationship turns out like considering we're trying to make sure we go about things the right way from the start.

That said, Kieran and I (and possibly Rae and H & R) are planning to attend the Palace Cinemas childhood movies Flashback nostalgia event.  Rather than it being a "hey kids, here's some entertainment" it is specifically targeted as a legitimate activity for adults "relive the movies of your childhood" (mid 1980s to mid 1990s).  One of my discoveries last year with my friend Robbie was when he failed at filling his beanbags with beans, and then we deliberately scattered them all over the floor and played in them (originally we'd intended to get drunk, that turned out to be unnecessary) - people might say this was very childish behaviour, except that the only reason we could get away with it was because we were adults (no children would ever be allowed to do that).  Similar to how the other week Michael and I ordered dessert before dinner, again it's not childish when you have to be an adult before you can get away with an activity.

Other than an uncreative three-word valentine's message that I was unsure whether it was obligatory, or had an agenda attached, the best Valentine's Day message I received was the day after from Ages where he said "Happy Discount Chocolate Day!" and that is something that interested me far more.

This afternoon I have a tea party with H consisting of drinking hot drinks and watching anime, which should be positive.  And next Tuesday I get to have girl talk and cocktails with Bianca at Junk Bar, which I am looking forward to rain or shine (I daresay it is currently more important to me in my calendar than a potential date with R, and dates with R are pretty damn awesome so that's saying something).

Over-thinking things

Exhibit A

So things with my old friend started off perfect and exactly what I was expecting and I was impressed by his preparation.  Then at one point he got upset because he felt rejected because he expected I would sleep with him and wasn't making any moves (I thought I'd come to his place because we'd been discussing how awesome experiencing nature is, and I live in the city so spending time in the country is something I don't get to do that often).  Apparently his saying "my marriage is really unhappy" and "you should just relax and go with the flow" was code for hinting that I should be trying to do more with him than be his friend.  Unfortunately in my head, people in closed marriages are off limits (why would I be interested in an affair when it's so much better for it to be out in the open and have their partners in the picture?), people going through breakups are off-limits (because they are vulnerable in who they will settle for, and I don't want to be a rebound), and people who are intoxicated are off-limits (because their decision making is compromised, so they may be convinced of things that they wouldn't agree to sober).  So I had three very good strong reasons for keeping my thoughts strictly friendship based.  And I took his "relax and go with the flow" as just good advice that I should be taking deep breaths while soaking up nature, since I stress often.  He thinks I over-think things, yet my over-thinking things instead of just going with the flow is why I'm not dealing with fewer longterm consequences because my relationships are set up EXACTLY the way we both want them without any elements that we don't want, and I haven't just fallen into a marriage with kids to think of now.

Also I'm offended that I thought he wanted to hang out with me because I'm understanding, non-judgemental, and deep-thinking, and instead it turns out that he wanted to hang out with me because he thought I was the most likely one of his friends to be okay with sleeping with someone married.  When in reality I don't have a higher sex drive than monogamous people, as a general rule I avoid getting into additional relationships (someone being nice/attractive/smart is not sufficient criteria for me to decide to allocate them extra time/energy when I only have so much of it to go around), and I'm no more okay with sleeping with someone in a closed marriage than a monogamous person is (or possibly, I'm less okay with it, since at least amongst monogamous people that's more normal, whereas around polyamorous people it's just strange behaviour full stop).

Exhibit B

Seeing Michael last night was the exact opposite experience.  Being both polyamorous, whenever we worry that the other person might have an unspoken expectation, we have trained ourselves to just ask so that we can instantly know what pages we're both on, and then if necessary find a new page that suits us both.  So at one point he said "this atmosphere feels date-like, so I'm wondering if that's how you see it", and I said "for me, it's not a date unless the word 'date' is used, and we haven't had any discussion about that", and he looked relieved (because if us hanging out was going to be a date, he would have preferred to clear it with his wife, also he would have dressed up more, also he would want to figure out whether I actually fit into his life and what he wants before risking complicating things with romance).  So we both have the same attitude of "you get what you ask for".  We asked for hanging out, we got hanging out, therefore success.  If either of us had wanted more but failed to ask the other person, well that's our fault for not seeking additional consent, not the other person's fault for not being a mind-reader.  So it's relaxing, hanging out with someone knowing so long as you go along with what was actually discussed everything is good, it won't change until they initiate a second discussion asking for an update.  We also (being people who have thrown out the social script) decided to go with dessert for dinner (a very adult activity, not a childish one, since children are never allowed to eat dessert first), since we both liked the looks of the desserts more than the mains - another thing I love about polyamory, the freedom to tailor an experience to your actual preferences instead of putting up with the preferences society tells you you should have, even if that does require more honest discussion and self-analysis.

This is also why the way R asked me out was the most perfect way ever.  His method both acknowledged that just because I'd agreed to cocktails in the city did not mean I'd agreed to anything more than cocktails in the city, and that if he wanted more he needed to use the word "date" so that I knew our next outing (should I agree to it) would be "dinner plus ..." or "cocktails plus ..." etc.  And so far R and I have done well at the spelling out our expectations, which means much less hurt and drama, because I can just tell him "when you said this, I made the following assumptions, and the way it's turning out in reality is making me worry about ..." and he can reply with "oh, you were missing some information when you drew that conclusion, here let me give you those extra pieces so that you can be reassured about what's going on in my head".  Which is much more pleasant than me silently stressing or starting to resent him or believing things that aren't real.

Valentine's Day

So I haven't discussed it with R yet, and my current plan was to avoid the topic completely if possible.  Partially because in a vaccuum it is not something I want to celebrate.  It is a day that makes single people feel left out (just like Christmas is a day that makes poor people feel inadequate).  Us being in a new relationship, I have the conflict that I will feel jealousy if he spends it with another partner (because I want to hear romantic things, and they will be more guaranteed to hear those romantic things from him instead), but being polyamorous I'm pretty sure I can self-comfort/rationalise my way past that human emotion.  I don't want to hear romantic things from him because the day obligates him to say them.  I'd rather hear romantic things from him when the only possible reason for it is that that's what he feels like saying to me.

Kieran's partner Rae is organising a group dinner.  On one hand I am happy about that (I don't have to deal alone with my emotions of missing out on hearing romantic things from R, even if that is partially by choice, and can be distracted by friends).  On the other hand, I hate acknowledging the day full stop, and I hate the feeling that society programs us with that you MUST do something on that day or else you are unlovable, so I feel like they are still buying into that part (though hopefully the place they've picked won't have a Valentine's Day surcharge).  Either way though, dinner with my friends is good no matter what the day is!  Also, I think I've decided that I have three partners - Kieran, R, and myself.  So spending Valentine's Day by myself (though mentally a bit of a challenge, thanks to stupid society), could be an opportunity to take care of myself and do some things that I specifically enjoy (whether or not anyone else does) and repair some self-esteem.

I also don't like going out to dinner just because everyone else is and paying a surcharge in order to fulfill the social script.  One of the things I love about shift work, is that I can do things when it is less crowded.  (Which is why I remind myself that spending Valentine's Day one-on-one with a partner really isn't my thing, no matter how much I want an excuse for more romance with R - too much pressure and obligation and overcrowding interfering with any potential genuine caring about each other.)

Progress

I really like being a shift-worker.  This morning I was wandering around my house wearing sunglasses, because I'd actually remembered to bring them to work, so have been wearing them since my 6am finish.  I wanted to make food before bed but I wanted to minimise daylight.  I like novelty and having rational reasons to do things that are harmless but normally not socially acceptable.  I don't have a face that suits sunglasses (though I do suit hats), to the extent where friends have tried to prove me wrong and become demoralised in the process, but for this job I decided to find a pair that would look nice (even if not amazing) and meet my criteria (rose-tinted in some way, since so far I haven't outgrown my inner hippie) no matter what the price, so even though I don't normally like labels my sunglasses are Armani and give me a hint of feeling like a movie star.

Developments

Over ten years ago I dated a guy named Ryan.  Ryan and I broke up, but I met his friends and liked them all instantly.  One of that crowd I don't see very often, but we agreed to meet for lunch, and now I'm spending the night at his place on Saturday (platonically, his marriage is definitely not open) because he sees me as pretty much the only friend who will understand a particular activity.  So that's exciting, as he is one of the group that I've never had the opportunity to properly build a real friendship with, yet obviously just seeing what I post on Facebook has kept me on his radar of people he's interested in getting to know better.  We also talked a bit about M, a guy that I had a crush on when I was younger, though the two of us were never in the right mindset to do anything about it (and that's still the case today, sadly our heads are in very incompatible places).

I decided to check in with R whether our label had changed in his head.  Three months ago I was "person he is seeing", which is fine but makes it sound like he's still testing it out (which he was), so I have been careful to only use the word "partner" in situations where the longer phrase would complicate things.  Apparently now I count as one of his partners, so I will start using that term.  It would have been okay if it hadn't changed as I don't want him to feel rushed, and our relationship is good so far regardless of how you label it, but I was curious to learn how long it would take him to move out of the "seeing if this could be a thing" to the "this is a thing" mindset.  Also R went out to dinner with my fiance Kieran and housemate Brad, which is good because I want him to feel comfortable at my house.  I'm seeing him Sunday night which I'm looking forward to, but I'm also wondering if Saturday night is going to have any effect on me beyond that one night.  Even if it's going to be a net positive effect, part of me feels that I like my life how it is right now and staying the same could help me maintain it.

Monday night I am meeting up with Michael, whom I met in a past life (we both think each other looks super familiar, yet we have no past places/activities/events/mutual friends in common, so if it wasn't this life it must have been a past one).  It has been almost two or more years since we last saw each other, but it doesn't feel like that long.  Making the time to build my relationships (even just the platonic ones) makes me happy.

"Dirty 30s" and Confidence

So this will be random thoughts.

Dirty 30s

The classmates from my final boarding school (I went to three different high schools) are considering having a second reunion.

I never intended to go to the 10 year reunion as I didn't like the school and haven't really kept any friends from it, then as a personal growth challenge I decided to attend the school reunion (we decided to host our own classier version because the school's version of a reunion was a glorified daytime campus tour) despite the fact that none of the girls I used to hang out with bothered to show up (so it was only the "popular" group).  And I ended up having a great time.  Everyone had matured, so they were friendly and welcoming and the venue chosen was much nicer than the whitewashed school grounds.  I wore a $10 dress that I felt confident in that I felt expressed my personality and my current place in life (which apparently R thinks I look hot in - the first time he saw me in it he was like "right, we're not staying in, I'm taking you out!"), which I was also happy about because $10 is what that school deserved in effort (no offence to the student victims there) and because it fights against the idea that you should spend lots of money to project an aura of success to your peers.

I know exactly what dress I want to wear to my Dirty 30 Reunion - I think this one cost $40 but it is the right mix of effortless but fun and dressy, so that's pretty simple.  Apparently though this time partners might be welcome.  This is where I become torn between wanting to advocate for poly and drag both my partners, versus not wanting to be accused of showing off and therefore picking just one (but how to choose?).  Kieran would be up for it (if he can get the night off work), but it would be nice if R could be there too (but maybe the situation would be too overwhelming for him?).  If R did come, I'm not sure if it would be easier if Kieran wasn't there and therefore we could be read as monogamous until asked, or if it would be easier if Kieran was there and then he has someone to talk to.  I also don't want to make the reunion about polyamory, and I wish the world actually was set up so that I could bring them both and no one raise an eyebrow or even people shrug or yawn with boredom.  Or seeing as my Facebook has Kieran quite openly declaring his love, perhaps bringing R would be sufficient for people to go "I thought you were with some other guy" and I can reply with "yeah, I'm still with him too".  So polyamory could be mentioned, but it won't actually be visibly in their faces so it will attract a lower level of attention.

Confidence

I was (naively) surprised by some of the comments on this article.  The author was pretty careful to mention the existence of guys who have a fat-fetish or who are attracted to her size and ashamed of it, in amongst the ones that weren't attracted or who liked her for her.  Firstly there was the comments of "wahh I'm not confident, yet I can get sex despite that" - sure, but I'm going to guess that sex is a lot more satisfying when you're not distracted by worrying about how you look during the act.  It's not too hard to find sex, but getting good sex is definitely something she has every right to celebrate, and it sounds like she is being discerning (not spending too much time bothering with the first three types of guys).  Secondly there was the "I'm too bogged down believing stereotypes to trust that nice conventionally attractive guys are not attracted to unconventional women, there must be a hidden agenda" which is just offensive - a nice hot guy gives you an answer, and you assume he must be lying because of your own poor self-confidence ... yeah I think you're the one with the problem, not him.  And it's kind of selfish to expect him to then have to argue the case, instead of you being responsible for maintaining your self esteem.

I am currently dating someone I thought was out of my league looks-wise (ever since high school, he has always been at the top of my "hottest guy I know" list, though I never let myself develop a crush on him until I only recently found out there was a more than 50% chance of reciprocation).  But definitely I think I need to stop writing guys off as "this person is conventionally attractive, therefore they won't be interested, so I won't treat any interest they show as them being actually serious".  It's not a good criteria for deciding against a relationship, nor even a good criteria for deciding to not accept and enjoy harmless compliments/flirting.  So apparently being 30 really does result in increased confidence, the only catch being that it is a conscious decision because you realise how many beliefs don't actually do you any favours and life is getting shorter so you spend less time worrying about motives and more time enjoying it anyway.

In other news

A guy at work had a prank played on him where his friends changed the privacy settings to all his facebook statuses to "only me" a few weeks ago.  The thing I find hilarious is that he didn't even notice until they told him, so either it's pretty normal for him to not get many likes/comments, or it's just not something he bothers to worry about (which is an attitude I appreciate, considering how many people post things just to fish for reactions).  He took it pretty well.

Apparently R's other partner H's sister A told his best friend that he should get to know me, which is kinda cool considering A and I have never properly talked so maybe she's just heard conversations between H and I or H has said nice things about me.  Hopefully A and I also get to properly know each other sometime.  R is quite cautious about making sure a relationship is actually a good thing before prioritising introducing them to his friends, but this weekend I might be meeting his other partner over breakfast.  I am hoping we click, and either way it will be good to have her become a real person and not just an imaginary concept (where I could be imagining things inaccurately, and I'd prefer to deal with reality).  And R and I had a great stay-at-home date on Tuesday night where we did a lot of talking (including agreeing that we don't want this relationship to stop us from getting things done or working on our projects, so we'll be going to the hardware store on the weekend as we both have things to check off our lists that require that errand), which gives me reasons to feel confident.

So far life is pretty good.  Yesterday it rained quite a long time for Brisbane (though I'm sure everyone was thinking "If this continues are we going to have a repeat of 2010?"), so I hope the creeks are now actually filled with flowing water (I mostly find Queensland a beautiful place to live) instead of depressingly dry.  I wore what I like to consider my rainy day outfit (a flowy white top with a blue/gray pattern) and my Spotify automatically shuffled music that seemed to have the same tempo as the raindrops while I was walking around outside.

Ex-Christian Rant

Time to rage.

As an ex-Christian it weirds me out when I see people who don't understand Christianity bringing out objections about tattoos and shellfish from Leviticus and why they don't still follow those rules too.

The Bible is pretty clear (not saying I agree with this either) – in summary:

• God laid down a whole bunch of laws. The Israelites failed miserably at them (usually within the first opportunity of being asked to follow them). They were supposed to fail miserably at them.
• The Israelites were taught to fix this by sacrificing animals (blood needed to be shed apparently for their sins to be cleansed).
• Then in the New Testament, Jesus ran around going “the only laws you need are love God and love your neighbour” and took constantly took issue with the Pharisees against the huge numbers of ridiculous Leviticus laws, pointing out how no one is without sin compared to God's standards.
• The New Testament explains that this was all preparation to demonstrate that nobody is perfect, that everyone needs God's forgiveness, and that Jesus is the ultimate sacrifice once and for all.
• Paul goes on to explain “the Israelites were like dumb kids, so God gave them very specific rules 'milk', but now post-Jesus we are grown up enough to handle 'meat' - less specific rules, more focus on where your heart is in your actions”, so the New Testament basically says you can stop with all the petty rules and sacrifices, and try to focus on actually being loving (which is why I get pissed of when I see “Judeo-Christian” hypocrites refer to the importance of the ten commandments to society, instead of the fruits of the spirit or Paul & Jesus's lectures on love & being humble).
• There is even a part in the New Testament where Peter (I think?) is presented with a vision of angels bearing “unclean” food for him and they are all like “no, it's cool now, if you're still worried about eating shellfish you're missing the whole point”.

If you want to argue with Christians, it's pretty easy to just focus on the killing babies and raping women of the Old Testament (since it's supposedly the same God all the way along? excluding a rather good essay I read about Noah's Ark, but not sure how Biblically justified versus biased wish-thinking its nice premise was). The Bible doesn't adequately justify that to me, and I'd rather risk not going to heaven than forcing my conscience to accept that those activities are okay somehow because “God's thoughts are higher than man's thoughts”. So that was pretty sufficient to de-convert me (thanks Christopher Hitchens's “God Is NOT Great” - much better than any of Dawkins's unnecessary straw-manning).

But arguing the tired old shellfish/mixed fabrics/tattoos argument is a strawman. You're not actually arguing against what Christianity says. Christians like to think they're good people (they're trying to be like God who is apparently good despite the killing babies and torture and telling people how deeply sinful they are), so that's the place to hit them if you want it to actually hurt. Not that I'm inviting you to attack Christians, just please at least give up that strawman if you are going to have a shot at it (or just lend them God Is NOT Great, and then kick back and relax and live your own life).  While it's sad for them (and they equally think it's sad for us), provided we focus our attention on making sure that Australia stays secular (so that people can freely follow their own values without interference, while not being able to force others to follow their values) there's not much more we should be doing.

The first few days ...

The main thing I have realised about my 30s is that I am going to wear more dresses.

I've always been a bit tomboyish in the way I dress (lots of jeans, shorts, and t-shirts) because even from a young age I noticed it seemed a bit unfair that the guys at uni could get away with minimal effort (roll out of bed and thrown on clothes that were clean-ish from their floor) while girls had a standard of always looking styled, pretty, fashionable and put together at all times.  And I've always liked masculine clothes (vests/waistcoats for example, which my main two relationships [Kieran and R] were happy to indulge me in wearing to my party), and felt uncomfortable in girlier items as I sensed I was failing at being female.

But I've now realised that wearing dresses that I can throw over my head is actually an even lazier option - it means I only need to deal with one main item of clothing instead of searching for two pieces that match.  And if I remove the tops/skirts from my wardrobe that I don't really wear and increase the numbers of dresses I might actually have more wardrobe space (consoldiating two items that need to find homes into just one).  And a thank you to Mikhail for patiently putting up with me long enough for me to buy two new dresses.

I am pretty happy with my first few days of being 30.  I started it off with a midnight conversation with my more-adult friend David from Melbourne about art (I have a safe long-distance crush on him [meaning there is no need for it to be requited, I don't have to do anything scary like actually act on it, and we can just enjoy our friendship like it is forever], even though normally I seem to only be interested in younger guys).  I got taken out to dinner with R where we shared a bottle of wine and then to a movie I really wanted to see (that he enjoyed) and then further getting spoiled later on at his house.  And prior to my party (because I was told to arrive an hour early but had no setting up to do other than a laptop), Kieran and I spent a peaceful hour sipping drinks and dancing to music in the beautiful Spring Hill rooftop room I'd hired admiring the views.  Then I got to have a classy party with all my friends, a less-classy after party that ended at 4am, and then a platonic lying in his bed talking ourselves to sleep and breakfast milkshakes at Ric's in the valley with Robbie.

Note: If I use initials in my posts, please be careful to continue to respect that person's right to keep some things private as much as possible (even if you don't understand the reasons for it).

Anyway, onto the subheadings

My Party

I set the dress code as "colourful" (I think there are too many try-to-blend-in-not-stand-out clothing items in the world), so my best friend Alicia tried to organise a rainbow for me (find seven or so people to each wear a different colour) but she had trouble finding someone to wear yellow (for the photo, we ended up using Kieran's mum who was wearing gold).

The venue (despite me having only seen it in pictures) was great.  The room downstairs has 360 degree views but you are stuck behind floor-to-ceiling glass windows, whereas this room (on the rooftop) had windows and a balcony that you lean out over and not be trapped inside.

The only thing I would change is including spirits on the bar tab (one of my friendship groups is the Pastafarians from QUT who can drink through a bar tab in 20 mins), so I was very worried about it not being enough and instead it turned out to be more than enough.  The bar itself was great, because it was only stocked with the items that actually were on the bar tab (other than spirits) so there was no worry of someone running it up with expensive items.  I was also worried about the room being over capacity, and instead quite a few people didn't show up meaning I think I could have squeezed in more of my work colleagues after all.

Also I think I impressed Kieran's parents with the qualilty of the room and the catering and hopefully the simple low-key but classy atmosphere of the event.

I had great conversations with my friend Audra who is still Christian, and she told me that because of a story I'd told her five years ago she spent 20 minutes driving around looking for places that sold yellow flowers because she felt that God told her that if she was going to give me flowers they should be yellow.  I showed her the tattoo I got from back when I was Christian (a heart to represent God and a yellow flower to represent how God interacts with me) as she hadn't seen it before, and she was like "Oh, that's why!", and Alicia joined us and I explained to Audra that yellow had been the one colour that had been missing from Alicia's rainbow also.

Also Mike and Liz were willing to come up from Canberra to be at my birthday, even though they understood that I wasn't going to have much time to talk to them.  Mike (besides being a semi-famous CSIRO science author/speaker) is someone that we have been talking about spending a proper amount of quality time with each other for over a year now.

The After-party

The end of the night Ages managed to convince everyone to go to DownUnder Bar (mainly because he can use his connections to get obscene amounts of alcohol for the table from them for only $12), which is not R's scene at all so I was very stressed about him secretly resenting me.  I respect the fact that rather than having a dress-up code or trying to pretend to be classier than it is, the bar has embraced the fact that it is not at all classy and has just run with it, it asked the guys to remove their ties before coming in, and that they encourage you to drink out of jars, that you can stand on tables and climb on the furniture and carve your initials into it.  For me, Dunder is not my scene either, but that novelty is why I enjoy it.  And I found out that Ages counts me as amongst his top four people, so I'm going to have to see him more often.  Despite my stress over R, I felt very cared about by Ages, Brayden & Robbie in particular.

Despite the fact that R was apparently okay with my stress about him at Dunder, I was so emotionally drained at that point that even though I needed comfort I didn't even have the spare resources to let it sink in (and spiraled for a while getting even more upset that I was still upset despite his attempts at comfort).  He was more than willing to make time for me yesterday so that we could interact when I was well rested, recharged and not intoxicated (so that my most recent memory of us that I was left with didn't have to be me getting emotional outside Dunder), and reassured me again that he sees me as someone who can fit into his life romantically rather than just a friend who he thinks is hot.  R and I have been acquaintances since a UN conference in high school (13 years ago! "two introverts managing to exchange email addresses" and then social networks taking over automatically adding each other), but despite knowing in theory we have important things in common only recently decided that we should probably put some effort into properly exploring that potential.

The main thing that is clear to me is that I am going to have to save up and go to Melbourne and Canberra sometime.  Canberra probably in winter to see snow, since I've never seen any.

Turning 30

So today I am officially 30.

Normally I don't celebrate birthdays.  Initially my thinking in deciding to celebrate this one was: I look quite young for my age, and since I was 13 people have been saying "it will be good when you're 30" (which is not reassuring, not even when you're mid twenties because 30 is still five years away), so I thought throwing a party was the perfect way to ensure that my being 30 started off as awesome I'd been promised it would be.  This morning I was feeling pretty ordinary (not what I'd hoping would automatically become my new default state from my first second of being chronologically 30 onwards), but now I'm sincerely feeling good and even excited about having an entire decade ahead of me to get things done in.

I've realised now a bigger reason for celebrating my birthday is because of my contrariness towards society promoting attitudes such as

• If you post about a significant birthday, you must include the worlds "OMG I'm getting OLD!!!" or "I guess I'm an old fart now".  Even though this becomes ridiculous in hindsight after you say that for ages 10, 13, 16, 18, 21, 25 ... not only does it lose its effect (you keep changing your mind about when the oldness sets in), but you realise how mistaken and ungrateful you were (isn't it possible that 40- or 50-year-old you might have something to say about 30-year-old you making that sort of declaration?).
  
  So I am trying the radical move of just stating my age without judgement required as to whether it's old or young and is it a good or bad thing.  It is just a thing, and one that I should accept about myself (I don't want to waste my 30s feeling bad that I'm not 20 anymore).  I don't want to keep spending my life talking about myself negatively each time I pass a milestone.  I'd rather be busy enjoying the life I have in front of me.
  

• Women over 30 should do their best to conceal their existence altogether.  Botox, anti-ageing creams, plastic-surgery, layers of makeup ... They've at least been able to make sure that the majority of female newscasters and presenters on TV don't show any obvious wrinkles, even though men are allowed to look as wrinkled, fat and balding as they like (and commonly get paired with youthful women in movies but rarely vice versa).
  
  It's one reason for why even though I could pass for under 30, I am deliberately choosing to do the opposite of hide it.  I am daring to ask people to celebrate with me instead of commiserate on this milestone.  I am not going to whine or complain or act ashamed or embarrassed.  Because there is no reason to.
  

I think there are plenty of areas I can improve on (and even some that I won't figure out until later on), but I accept myself and being me is never a bad thing.