Progress

I really like being a shift-worker.  This morning I was wandering around my house wearing sunglasses, because I'd actually remembered to bring them to work, so have been wearing them since my 6am finish.  I wanted to make food before bed but I wanted to minimise daylight.  I like novelty and having rational reasons to do things that are harmless but normally not socially acceptable.  I don't have a face that suits sunglasses (though I do suit hats), to the extent where friends have tried to prove me wrong and become demoralised in the process, but for this job I decided to find a pair that would look nice (even if not amazing) and meet my criteria (rose-tinted in some way, since so far I haven't outgrown my inner hippie) no matter what the price, so even though I don't normally like labels my sunglasses are Armani and give me a hint of feeling like a movie star.

Developments

Over ten years ago I dated a guy named Ryan.  Ryan and I broke up, but I met his friends and liked them all instantly.  One of that crowd I don't see very often, but we agreed to meet for lunch, and now I'm spending the night at his place on Saturday (platonically, his marriage is definitely not open) because he sees me as pretty much the only friend who will understand a particular activity.  So that's exciting, as he is one of the group that I've never had the opportunity to properly build a real friendship with, yet obviously just seeing what I post on Facebook has kept me on his radar of people he's interested in getting to know better.  We also talked a bit about M, a guy that I had a crush on when I was younger, though the two of us were never in the right mindset to do anything about it (and that's still the case today, sadly our heads are in very incompatible places).

I decided to check in with R whether our label had changed in his head.  Three months ago I was "person he is seeing", which is fine but makes it sound like he's still testing it out (which he was), so I have been careful to only use the word "partner" in situations where the longer phrase would complicate things.  Apparently now I count as one of his partners, so I will start using that term.  It would have been okay if it hadn't changed as I don't want him to feel rushed, and our relationship is good so far regardless of how you label it, but I was curious to learn how long it would take him to move out of the "seeing if this could be a thing" to the "this is a thing" mindset.  Also R went out to dinner with my fiance Kieran and housemate Brad, which is good because I want him to feel comfortable at my house.  I'm seeing him Sunday night which I'm looking forward to, but I'm also wondering if Saturday night is going to have any effect on me beyond that one night.  Even if it's going to be a net positive effect, part of me feels that I like my life how it is right now and staying the same could help me maintain it.

Monday night I am meeting up with Michael, whom I met in a past life (we both think each other looks super familiar, yet we have no past places/activities/events/mutual friends in common, so if it wasn't this life it must have been a past one).  It has been almost two or more years since we last saw each other, but it doesn't feel like that long.  Making the time to build my relationships (even just the platonic ones) makes me happy.

"Dirty 30s" and Confidence

So this will be random thoughts.

Dirty 30s

The classmates from my final boarding school (I went to three different high schools) are considering having a second reunion.

I never intended to go to the 10 year reunion as I didn't like the school and haven't really kept any friends from it, then as a personal growth challenge I decided to attend the school reunion (we decided to host our own classier version because the school's version of a reunion was a glorified daytime campus tour) despite the fact that none of the girls I used to hang out with bothered to show up (so it was only the "popular" group).  And I ended up having a great time.  Everyone had matured, so they were friendly and welcoming and the venue chosen was much nicer than the whitewashed school grounds.  I wore a $10 dress that I felt confident in that I felt expressed my personality and my current place in life (which apparently R thinks I look hot in - the first time he saw me in it he was like "right, we're not staying in, I'm taking you out!"), which I was also happy about because $10 is what that school deserved in effort (no offence to the student victims there) and because it fights against the idea that you should spend lots of money to project an aura of success to your peers.

I know exactly what dress I want to wear to my Dirty 30 Reunion - I think this one cost $40 but it is the right mix of effortless but fun and dressy, so that's pretty simple.  Apparently though this time partners might be welcome.  This is where I become torn between wanting to advocate for poly and drag both my partners, versus not wanting to be accused of showing off and therefore picking just one (but how to choose?).  Kieran would be up for it (if he can get the night off work), but it would be nice if R could be there too (but maybe the situation would be too overwhelming for him?).  If R did come, I'm not sure if it would be easier if Kieran wasn't there and therefore we could be read as monogamous until asked, or if it would be easier if Kieran was there and then he has someone to talk to.  I also don't want to make the reunion about polyamory, and I wish the world actually was set up so that I could bring them both and no one raise an eyebrow or even people shrug or yawn with boredom.  Or seeing as my Facebook has Kieran quite openly declaring his love, perhaps bringing R would be sufficient for people to go "I thought you were with some other guy" and I can reply with "yeah, I'm still with him too".  So polyamory could be mentioned, but it won't actually be visibly in their faces so it will attract a lower level of attention.

Confidence

I was (naively) surprised by some of the comments on this article.  The author was pretty careful to mention the existence of guys who have a fat-fetish or who are attracted to her size and ashamed of it, in amongst the ones that weren't attracted or who liked her for her.  Firstly there was the comments of "wahh I'm not confident, yet I can get sex despite that" - sure, but I'm going to guess that sex is a lot more satisfying when you're not distracted by worrying about how you look during the act.  It's not too hard to find sex, but getting good sex is definitely something she has every right to celebrate, and it sounds like she is being discerning (not spending too much time bothering with the first three types of guys).  Secondly there was the "I'm too bogged down believing stereotypes to trust that nice conventionally attractive guys are not attracted to unconventional women, there must be a hidden agenda" which is just offensive - a nice hot guy gives you an answer, and you assume he must be lying because of your own poor self-confidence ... yeah I think you're the one with the problem, not him.  And it's kind of selfish to expect him to then have to argue the case, instead of you being responsible for maintaining your self esteem.

I am currently dating someone I thought was out of my league looks-wise (ever since high school, he has always been at the top of my "hottest guy I know" list, though I never let myself develop a crush on him until I only recently found out there was a more than 50% chance of reciprocation).  But definitely I think I need to stop writing guys off as "this person is conventionally attractive, therefore they won't be interested, so I won't treat any interest they show as them being actually serious".  It's not a good criteria for deciding against a relationship, nor even a good criteria for deciding to not accept and enjoy harmless compliments/flirting.  So apparently being 30 really does result in increased confidence, the only catch being that it is a conscious decision because you realise how many beliefs don't actually do you any favours and life is getting shorter so you spend less time worrying about motives and more time enjoying it anyway.

In other news

A guy at work had a prank played on him where his friends changed the privacy settings to all his facebook statuses to "only me" a few weeks ago.  The thing I find hilarious is that he didn't even notice until they told him, so either it's pretty normal for him to not get many likes/comments, or it's just not something he bothers to worry about (which is an attitude I appreciate, considering how many people post things just to fish for reactions).  He took it pretty well.

Apparently R's other partner H's sister A told his best friend that he should get to know me, which is kinda cool considering A and I have never properly talked so maybe she's just heard conversations between H and I or H has said nice things about me.  Hopefully A and I also get to properly know each other sometime.  R is quite cautious about making sure a relationship is actually a good thing before prioritising introducing them to his friends, but this weekend I might be meeting his other partner over breakfast.  I am hoping we click, and either way it will be good to have her become a real person and not just an imaginary concept (where I could be imagining things inaccurately, and I'd prefer to deal with reality).  And R and I had a great stay-at-home date on Tuesday night where we did a lot of talking (including agreeing that we don't want this relationship to stop us from getting things done or working on our projects, so we'll be going to the hardware store on the weekend as we both have things to check off our lists that require that errand), which gives me reasons to feel confident.

So far life is pretty good.  Yesterday it rained quite a long time for Brisbane (though I'm sure everyone was thinking "If this continues are we going to have a repeat of 2010?"), so I hope the creeks are now actually filled with flowing water (I mostly find Queensland a beautiful place to live) instead of depressingly dry.  I wore what I like to consider my rainy day outfit (a flowy white top with a blue/gray pattern) and my Spotify automatically shuffled music that seemed to have the same tempo as the raindrops while I was walking around outside.

Ex-Christian Rant

Time to rage.

As an ex-Christian it weirds me out when I see people who don't understand Christianity bringing out objections about tattoos and shellfish from Leviticus and why they don't still follow those rules too.

The Bible is pretty clear (not saying I agree with this either) – in summary:

• God laid down a whole bunch of laws. The Israelites failed miserably at them (usually within the first opportunity of being asked to follow them). They were supposed to fail miserably at them.
• The Israelites were taught to fix this by sacrificing animals (blood needed to be shed apparently for their sins to be cleansed).
• Then in the New Testament, Jesus ran around going “the only laws you need are love God and love your neighbour” and took constantly took issue with the Pharisees against the huge numbers of ridiculous Leviticus laws, pointing out how no one is without sin compared to God's standards.
• The New Testament explains that this was all preparation to demonstrate that nobody is perfect, that everyone needs God's forgiveness, and that Jesus is the ultimate sacrifice once and for all.
• Paul goes on to explain “the Israelites were like dumb kids, so God gave them very specific rules 'milk', but now post-Jesus we are grown up enough to handle 'meat' - less specific rules, more focus on where your heart is in your actions”, so the New Testament basically says you can stop with all the petty rules and sacrifices, and try to focus on actually being loving (which is why I get pissed of when I see “Judeo-Christian” hypocrites refer to the importance of the ten commandments to society, instead of the fruits of the spirit or Paul & Jesus's lectures on love & being humble).
• There is even a part in the New Testament where Peter (I think?) is presented with a vision of angels bearing “unclean” food for him and they are all like “no, it's cool now, if you're still worried about eating shellfish you're missing the whole point”.

If you want to argue with Christians, it's pretty easy to just focus on the killing babies and raping women of the Old Testament (since it's supposedly the same God all the way along? excluding a rather good essay I read about Noah's Ark, but not sure how Biblically justified versus biased wish-thinking its nice premise was). The Bible doesn't adequately justify that to me, and I'd rather risk not going to heaven than forcing my conscience to accept that those activities are okay somehow because “God's thoughts are higher than man's thoughts”. So that was pretty sufficient to de-convert me (thanks Christopher Hitchens's “God Is NOT Great” - much better than any of Dawkins's unnecessary straw-manning).

But arguing the tired old shellfish/mixed fabrics/tattoos argument is a strawman. You're not actually arguing against what Christianity says. Christians like to think they're good people (they're trying to be like God who is apparently good despite the killing babies and torture and telling people how deeply sinful they are), so that's the place to hit them if you want it to actually hurt. Not that I'm inviting you to attack Christians, just please at least give up that strawman if you are going to have a shot at it (or just lend them God Is NOT Great, and then kick back and relax and live your own life).  While it's sad for them (and they equally think it's sad for us), provided we focus our attention on making sure that Australia stays secular (so that people can freely follow their own values without interference, while not being able to force others to follow their values) there's not much more we should be doing.

The first few days ...

The main thing I have realised about my 30s is that I am going to wear more dresses.

I've always been a bit tomboyish in the way I dress (lots of jeans, shorts, and t-shirts) because even from a young age I noticed it seemed a bit unfair that the guys at uni could get away with minimal effort (roll out of bed and thrown on clothes that were clean-ish from their floor) while girls had a standard of always looking styled, pretty, fashionable and put together at all times.  And I've always liked masculine clothes (vests/waistcoats for example, which my main two relationships [Kieran and R] were happy to indulge me in wearing to my party), and felt uncomfortable in girlier items as I sensed I was failing at being female.

But I've now realised that wearing dresses that I can throw over my head is actually an even lazier option - it means I only need to deal with one main item of clothing instead of searching for two pieces that match.  And if I remove the tops/skirts from my wardrobe that I don't really wear and increase the numbers of dresses I might actually have more wardrobe space (consoldiating two items that need to find homes into just one).  And a thank you to Mikhail for patiently putting up with me long enough for me to buy two new dresses.

I am pretty happy with my first few days of being 30.  I started it off with a midnight conversation with my more-adult friend David from Melbourne about art (I have a safe long-distance crush on him [meaning there is no need for it to be requited, I don't have to do anything scary like actually act on it, and we can just enjoy our friendship like it is forever], even though normally I seem to only be interested in younger guys).  I got taken out to dinner with R where we shared a bottle of wine and then to a movie I really wanted to see (that he enjoyed) and then further getting spoiled later on at his house.  And prior to my party (because I was told to arrive an hour early but had no setting up to do other than a laptop), Kieran and I spent a peaceful hour sipping drinks and dancing to music in the beautiful Spring Hill rooftop room I'd hired admiring the views.  Then I got to have a classy party with all my friends, a less-classy after party that ended at 4am, and then a platonic lying in his bed talking ourselves to sleep and breakfast milkshakes at Ric's in the valley with Robbie.

Note: If I use initials in my posts, please be careful to continue to respect that person's right to keep some things private as much as possible (even if you don't understand the reasons for it).

Anyway, onto the subheadings

My Party

I set the dress code as "colourful" (I think there are too many try-to-blend-in-not-stand-out clothing items in the world), so my best friend Alicia tried to organise a rainbow for me (find seven or so people to each wear a different colour) but she had trouble finding someone to wear yellow (for the photo, we ended up using Kieran's mum who was wearing gold).

The venue (despite me having only seen it in pictures) was great.  The room downstairs has 360 degree views but you are stuck behind floor-to-ceiling glass windows, whereas this room (on the rooftop) had windows and a balcony that you lean out over and not be trapped inside.

The only thing I would change is including spirits on the bar tab (one of my friendship groups is the Pastafarians from QUT who can drink through a bar tab in 20 mins), so I was very worried about it not being enough and instead it turned out to be more than enough.  The bar itself was great, because it was only stocked with the items that actually were on the bar tab (other than spirits) so there was no worry of someone running it up with expensive items.  I was also worried about the room being over capacity, and instead quite a few people didn't show up meaning I think I could have squeezed in more of my work colleagues after all.

Also I think I impressed Kieran's parents with the qualilty of the room and the catering and hopefully the simple low-key but classy atmosphere of the event.

I had great conversations with my friend Audra who is still Christian, and she told me that because of a story I'd told her five years ago she spent 20 minutes driving around looking for places that sold yellow flowers because she felt that God told her that if she was going to give me flowers they should be yellow.  I showed her the tattoo I got from back when I was Christian (a heart to represent God and a yellow flower to represent how God interacts with me) as she hadn't seen it before, and she was like "Oh, that's why!", and Alicia joined us and I explained to Audra that yellow had been the one colour that had been missing from Alicia's rainbow also.

Also Mike and Liz were willing to come up from Canberra to be at my birthday, even though they understood that I wasn't going to have much time to talk to them.  Mike (besides being a semi-famous CSIRO science author/speaker) is someone that we have been talking about spending a proper amount of quality time with each other for over a year now.

The After-party

The end of the night Ages managed to convince everyone to go to DownUnder Bar (mainly because he can use his connections to get obscene amounts of alcohol for the table from them for only $12), which is not R's scene at all so I was very stressed about him secretly resenting me.  I respect the fact that rather than having a dress-up code or trying to pretend to be classier than it is, the bar has embraced the fact that it is not at all classy and has just run with it, it asked the guys to remove their ties before coming in, and that they encourage you to drink out of jars, that you can stand on tables and climb on the furniture and carve your initials into it.  For me, Dunder is not my scene either, but that novelty is why I enjoy it.  And I found out that Ages counts me as amongst his top four people, so I'm going to have to see him more often.  Despite my stress over R, I felt very cared about by Ages, Brayden & Robbie in particular.

Despite the fact that R was apparently okay with my stress about him at Dunder, I was so emotionally drained at that point that even though I needed comfort I didn't even have the spare resources to let it sink in (and spiraled for a while getting even more upset that I was still upset despite his attempts at comfort).  He was more than willing to make time for me yesterday so that we could interact when I was well rested, recharged and not intoxicated (so that my most recent memory of us that I was left with didn't have to be me getting emotional outside Dunder), and reassured me again that he sees me as someone who can fit into his life romantically rather than just a friend who he thinks is hot.  R and I have been acquaintances since a UN conference in high school (13 years ago! "two introverts managing to exchange email addresses" and then social networks taking over automatically adding each other), but despite knowing in theory we have important things in common only recently decided that we should probably put some effort into properly exploring that potential.

The main thing that is clear to me is that I am going to have to save up and go to Melbourne and Canberra sometime.  Canberra probably in winter to see snow, since I've never seen any.

Turning 30

So today I am officially 30.

Normally I don't celebrate birthdays.  Initially my thinking in deciding to celebrate this one was: I look quite young for my age, and since I was 13 people have been saying "it will be good when you're 30" (which is not reassuring, not even when you're mid twenties because 30 is still five years away), so I thought throwing a party was the perfect way to ensure that my being 30 started off as awesome I'd been promised it would be.  This morning I was feeling pretty ordinary (not what I'd hoping would automatically become my new default state from my first second of being chronologically 30 onwards), but now I'm sincerely feeling good and even excited about having an entire decade ahead of me to get things done in.

I've realised now a bigger reason for celebrating my birthday is because of my contrariness towards society promoting attitudes such as

• If you post about a significant birthday, you must include the worlds "OMG I'm getting OLD!!!" or "I guess I'm an old fart now".  Even though this becomes ridiculous in hindsight after you say that for ages 10, 13, 16, 18, 21, 25 ... not only does it lose its effect (you keep changing your mind about when the oldness sets in), but you realise how mistaken and ungrateful you were (isn't it possible that 40- or 50-year-old you might have something to say about 30-year-old you making that sort of declaration?).
  
  So I am trying the radical move of just stating my age without judgement required as to whether it's old or young and is it a good or bad thing.  It is just a thing, and one that I should accept about myself (I don't want to waste my 30s feeling bad that I'm not 20 anymore).  I don't want to keep spending my life talking about myself negatively each time I pass a milestone.  I'd rather be busy enjoying the life I have in front of me.
  

• Women over 30 should do their best to conceal their existence altogether.  Botox, anti-ageing creams, plastic-surgery, layers of makeup ... They've at least been able to make sure that the majority of female newscasters and presenters on TV don't show any obvious wrinkles, even though men are allowed to look as wrinkled, fat and balding as they like (and commonly get paired with youthful women in movies but rarely vice versa).
  
  It's one reason for why even though I could pass for under 30, I am deliberately choosing to do the opposite of hide it.  I am daring to ask people to celebrate with me instead of commiserate on this milestone.  I am not going to whine or complain or act ashamed or embarrassed.  Because there is no reason to.
  

I think there are plenty of areas I can improve on (and even some that I won't figure out until later on), but I accept myself and being me is never a bad thing.