Extremes

Last night was a combination of simple things and complicated things.  I'm glad life is filled with both.  I'm thinking I should start with the complicated things.

Complicated Things

R and I went to see Her.  I still struggle to find words to describe it.  When it finished, the entire cinema was dead silent, and people just sat there speechless until about halfway through the credits where a few of them decided to leave.  The rest of us just sat there silently until the last credit rolled and the lights switched back on.  We were supposed to get dinner afterwards, but eating seemed trivial, so we drove aimlessly for a while before picking up fast food (because we knew we should probably consume some calories even if it was the last thing on our mind).

We also had (what was from my perspective) a second significant dicussion in our relationship.  We do lots of discussing, but this was the second time I have actually felt like there is a real problem.  Luckily, in what is a very good sign, we are now 2/2 in terms of resolving things :)  The first problem (back in late December) arose, I confronted it the next day, I got the extra information I was missing, and it hasn't reoccurred and things have been great since.  This problem again I made myself bring it up as soon as I noticed it wasn't going away on it's own, and surprisingly I now feel comforted and like I have less to worry about.

R is having drinks with K, who mutual friends have been telling her she should date him.  K has been separated from a bad marriage for 9 months, so this would be her first brush with polyamory I'm assuming.  There are two possibilities:  R's friends are right and they hit it off, or he and K decide they're better off as friends or decide on some level of casual dating/sex.  The first one is obviously the "threat", though since his reassurance last night I am pretty confident it wouldn't change his decision to date me, so the only actual threat would be to the amount of time he has spare for me (and so far our past dicussing ability bodes well for us to actually be able to discuss that so that it never goes from a molehill to a mountain).  There is also the slight risk that dating someone new to poly might mean she will expect him to act the same way someone would in a monogamous relationship, but that part is none of my business (unless it starts encroaching on my time with him).  My relationship with R is exactly what my personal script wants (and the way it is set up now I can see plenty of opportunities for personal growth and finding myself in an even happier place over time), even if it doesn't come with the same stamp of approval that the social script gives, and I'm not going to let my insecurities compromise it (because these fears are going to keep reoccurring with the next partner and the next and the next until I learn to deal with them healthily instead of backing out).  I am excited to see where this relationship will take me, and hopefully our relationship will result in R also finding himself in an even better place in his future than he is right now :)

R really likes me for me, the part of me that I consider most core to myself.  He likes that I second guess things and then second guess my second guesses and am prepared to be wrong.  He likes my overthinking, even if the way I think about things is complex instead of simple.  It's also reassuring, because this trait can be off-putting for many people in relationships, and this trait is the chink in my armour.  And it's an ability he does himself (which is why I owed it to myself to pursue a relationship with him and see what it would be like).  And so in that sense, things are simple.

Simple things

Overthinking things can remind you of how simple something is.  R likes my overthinking, he remembers things I say, and then he does them (which reminds me, I probably should let him know that it doesn't go unnoticed :D ).  At the end of the movie, we were able to sit there in mutual silence for an indefinite period that didn't need to end anytime soon, knowing that nothing was wrong, that no one was being ignored.

It's interesting, it's like I have the relationship from my childhood with Kieran where we can break all the rules and somehow still stay together and happy, and now I have this adult relationship with R.  And as much as the relationship with R is harder (at this stage I don't feel like I have the same leeway with him that I have with Kieran), I'm really happy I have both.  I have always wanted a grown-up relationship, even if being a grown-up is hard sometimes, so it is very satisfying to my brain to finally be with someone who appreciates communication and prefers something healthy to Disney fairytales (which are super fun over the short term but not so good over the long term), and I really want to see what this successful-so-far relationship turns out like considering we're trying to make sure we go about things the right way from the start.

That said, Kieran and I (and possibly Rae and H & R) are planning to attend the Palace Cinemas childhood movies Flashback nostalgia event.  Rather than it being a "hey kids, here's some entertainment" it is specifically targeted as a legitimate activity for adults "relive the movies of your childhood" (mid 1980s to mid 1990s).  One of my discoveries last year with my friend Robbie was when he failed at filling his beanbags with beans, and then we deliberately scattered them all over the floor and played in them (originally we'd intended to get drunk, that turned out to be unnecessary) - people might say this was very childish behaviour, except that the only reason we could get away with it was because we were adults (no children would ever be allowed to do that).  Similar to how the other week Michael and I ordered dessert before dinner, again it's not childish when you have to be an adult before you can get away with an activity.

Other than an uncreative three-word valentine's message that I was unsure whether it was obligatory, or had an agenda attached, the best Valentine's Day message I received was the day after from Ages where he said "Happy Discount Chocolate Day!" and that is something that interested me far more.

This afternoon I have a tea party with H consisting of drinking hot drinks and watching anime, which should be positive.  And next Tuesday I get to have girl talk and cocktails with Bianca at Junk Bar, which I am looking forward to rain or shine (I daresay it is currently more important to me in my calendar than a potential date with R, and dates with R are pretty damn awesome so that's saying something).

Over-thinking things

Exhibit A

So things with my old friend started off perfect and exactly what I was expecting and I was impressed by his preparation.  Then at one point he got upset because he felt rejected because he expected I would sleep with him and wasn't making any moves (I thought I'd come to his place because we'd been discussing how awesome experiencing nature is, and I live in the city so spending time in the country is something I don't get to do that often).  Apparently his saying "my marriage is really unhappy" and "you should just relax and go with the flow" was code for hinting that I should be trying to do more with him than be his friend.  Unfortunately in my head, people in closed marriages are off limits (why would I be interested in an affair when it's so much better for it to be out in the open and have their partners in the picture?), people going through breakups are off-limits (because they are vulnerable in who they will settle for, and I don't want to be a rebound), and people who are intoxicated are off-limits (because their decision making is compromised, so they may be convinced of things that they wouldn't agree to sober).  So I had three very good strong reasons for keeping my thoughts strictly friendship based.  And I took his "relax and go with the flow" as just good advice that I should be taking deep breaths while soaking up nature, since I stress often.  He thinks I over-think things, yet my over-thinking things instead of just going with the flow is why I'm not dealing with fewer longterm consequences because my relationships are set up EXACTLY the way we both want them without any elements that we don't want, and I haven't just fallen into a marriage with kids to think of now.

Also I'm offended that I thought he wanted to hang out with me because I'm understanding, non-judgemental, and deep-thinking, and instead it turns out that he wanted to hang out with me because he thought I was the most likely one of his friends to be okay with sleeping with someone married.  When in reality I don't have a higher sex drive than monogamous people, as a general rule I avoid getting into additional relationships (someone being nice/attractive/smart is not sufficient criteria for me to decide to allocate them extra time/energy when I only have so much of it to go around), and I'm no more okay with sleeping with someone in a closed marriage than a monogamous person is (or possibly, I'm less okay with it, since at least amongst monogamous people that's more normal, whereas around polyamorous people it's just strange behaviour full stop).

Exhibit B

Seeing Michael last night was the exact opposite experience.  Being both polyamorous, whenever we worry that the other person might have an unspoken expectation, we have trained ourselves to just ask so that we can instantly know what pages we're both on, and then if necessary find a new page that suits us both.  So at one point he said "this atmosphere feels date-like, so I'm wondering if that's how you see it", and I said "for me, it's not a date unless the word 'date' is used, and we haven't had any discussion about that", and he looked relieved (because if us hanging out was going to be a date, he would have preferred to clear it with his wife, also he would have dressed up more, also he would want to figure out whether I actually fit into his life and what he wants before risking complicating things with romance).  So we both have the same attitude of "you get what you ask for".  We asked for hanging out, we got hanging out, therefore success.  If either of us had wanted more but failed to ask the other person, well that's our fault for not seeking additional consent, not the other person's fault for not being a mind-reader.  So it's relaxing, hanging out with someone knowing so long as you go along with what was actually discussed everything is good, it won't change until they initiate a second discussion asking for an update.  We also (being people who have thrown out the social script) decided to go with dessert for dinner (a very adult activity, not a childish one, since children are never allowed to eat dessert first), since we both liked the looks of the desserts more than the mains - another thing I love about polyamory, the freedom to tailor an experience to your actual preferences instead of putting up with the preferences society tells you you should have, even if that does require more honest discussion and self-analysis.

This is also why the way R asked me out was the most perfect way ever.  His method both acknowledged that just because I'd agreed to cocktails in the city did not mean I'd agreed to anything more than cocktails in the city, and that if he wanted more he needed to use the word "date" so that I knew our next outing (should I agree to it) would be "dinner plus ..." or "cocktails plus ..." etc.  And so far R and I have done well at the spelling out our expectations, which means much less hurt and drama, because I can just tell him "when you said this, I made the following assumptions, and the way it's turning out in reality is making me worry about ..." and he can reply with "oh, you were missing some information when you drew that conclusion, here let me give you those extra pieces so that you can be reassured about what's going on in my head".  Which is much more pleasant than me silently stressing or starting to resent him or believing things that aren't real.

Valentine's Day

So I haven't discussed it with R yet, and my current plan was to avoid the topic completely if possible.  Partially because in a vaccuum it is not something I want to celebrate.  It is a day that makes single people feel left out (just like Christmas is a day that makes poor people feel inadequate).  Us being in a new relationship, I have the conflict that I will feel jealousy if he spends it with another partner (because I want to hear romantic things, and they will be more guaranteed to hear those romantic things from him instead), but being polyamorous I'm pretty sure I can self-comfort/rationalise my way past that human emotion.  I don't want to hear romantic things from him because the day obligates him to say them.  I'd rather hear romantic things from him when the only possible reason for it is that that's what he feels like saying to me.

Kieran's partner Rae is organising a group dinner.  On one hand I am happy about that (I don't have to deal alone with my emotions of missing out on hearing romantic things from R, even if that is partially by choice, and can be distracted by friends).  On the other hand, I hate acknowledging the day full stop, and I hate the feeling that society programs us with that you MUST do something on that day or else you are unlovable, so I feel like they are still buying into that part (though hopefully the place they've picked won't have a Valentine's Day surcharge).  Either way though, dinner with my friends is good no matter what the day is!  Also, I think I've decided that I have three partners - Kieran, R, and myself.  So spending Valentine's Day by myself (though mentally a bit of a challenge, thanks to stupid society), could be an opportunity to take care of myself and do some things that I specifically enjoy (whether or not anyone else does) and repair some self-esteem.

I also don't like going out to dinner just because everyone else is and paying a surcharge in order to fulfill the social script.  One of the things I love about shift work, is that I can do things when it is less crowded.  (Which is why I remind myself that spending Valentine's Day one-on-one with a partner really isn't my thing, no matter how much I want an excuse for more romance with R - too much pressure and obligation and overcrowding interfering with any potential genuine caring about each other.)