Last night was a combination of simple things and complicated things. I'm glad life is filled with both. I'm thinking I should start with the complicated things.
Complicated Things
R and I went to see Her. I still struggle to find words to describe it. When it finished, the entire cinema was dead silent, and people just sat there speechless until about halfway through the credits where a few of them decided to leave. The rest of us just sat there silently until the last credit rolled and the lights switched back on. We were supposed to get dinner afterwards, but eating seemed trivial, so we drove aimlessly for a while before picking up fast food (because we knew we should probably consume some calories even if it was the last thing on our mind).
We also had (what was from my perspective) a second significant dicussion in our relationship. We do lots of discussing, but this was the second time I have actually felt like there is a real problem. Luckily, in what is a very good sign, we are now 2/2 in terms of resolving things :) The first problem (back in late December) arose, I confronted it the next day, I got the extra information I was missing, and it hasn't reoccurred and things have been great since. This problem again I made myself bring it up as soon as I noticed it wasn't going away on it's own, and surprisingly I now feel comforted and like I have less to worry about.
R is having drinks with K, who mutual friends have been telling her she should date him. K has been separated from a bad marriage for 9 months, so this would be her first brush with polyamory I'm assuming. There are two possibilities: R's friends are right and they hit it off, or he and K decide they're better off as friends or decide on some level of casual dating/sex. The first one is obviously the "threat", though since his reassurance last night I am pretty confident it wouldn't change his decision to date me, so the only actual threat would be to the amount of time he has spare for me (and so far our past dicussing ability bodes well for us to actually be able to discuss that so that it never goes from a molehill to a mountain). There is also the slight risk that dating someone new to poly might mean she will expect him to act the same way someone would in a monogamous relationship, but that part is none of my business (unless it starts encroaching on my time with him). My relationship with R is exactly what my personal script wants (and the way it is set up now I can see plenty of opportunities for personal growth and finding myself in an even happier place over time), even if it doesn't come with the same stamp of approval that the social script gives, and I'm not going to let my insecurities compromise it (because these fears are going to keep reoccurring with the next partner and the next and the next until I learn to deal with them healthily instead of backing out). I am excited to see where this relationship will take me, and hopefully our relationship will result in R also finding himself in an even better place in his future than he is right now :)
R really likes me for me, the part of me that I consider most core to myself. He likes that I second guess things and then second guess my second guesses and am prepared to be wrong. He likes my overthinking, even if the way I think about things is complex instead of simple. It's also reassuring, because this trait can be off-putting for many people in relationships, and this trait is the chink in my armour. And it's an ability he does himself (which is why I owed it to myself to pursue a relationship with him and see what it would be like). And so in that sense, things are simple.
Simple things
Overthinking things can remind you of how simple something is. R likes my overthinking, he remembers things I say, and then he does them (which reminds me, I probably should let him know that it doesn't go unnoticed :D ). At the end of the movie, we were able to sit there in mutual silence for an indefinite period that didn't need to end anytime soon, knowing that nothing was wrong, that no one was being ignored.
It's interesting, it's like I have the relationship from my childhood with Kieran where we can break all the rules and somehow still stay together and happy, and now I have this adult relationship with R. And as much as the relationship with R is harder (at this stage I don't feel like I have the same leeway with him that I have with Kieran), I'm really happy I have both. I have always wanted a grown-up relationship, even if being a grown-up is hard sometimes, so it is very satisfying to my brain to finally be with someone who appreciates communication and prefers something healthy to Disney fairytales (which are super fun over the short term but not so good over the long term), and I really want to see what this successful-so-far relationship turns out like considering we're trying to make sure we go about things the right way from the start.
That said, Kieran and I (and possibly Rae and H & R) are planning to attend the Palace Cinemas childhood movies Flashback nostalgia event. Rather than it being a "hey kids, here's some entertainment" it is specifically targeted as a legitimate activity for adults "relive the movies of your childhood" (mid 1980s to mid 1990s). One of my discoveries last year with my friend Robbie was when he failed at filling his beanbags with beans, and then we deliberately scattered them all over the floor and played in them (originally we'd intended to get drunk, that turned out to be unnecessary) - people might say this was very childish behaviour, except that the only reason we could get away with it was because we were adults (no children would ever be allowed to do that). Similar to how the other week Michael and I ordered dessert before dinner, again it's not childish when you have to be an adult before you can get away with an activity.
Other than an uncreative three-word valentine's message that I was unsure whether it was obligatory, or had an agenda attached, the best Valentine's Day message I received was the day after from Ages where he said "Happy Discount Chocolate Day!" and that is something that interested me far more.
This afternoon I have a tea party with H consisting of drinking hot drinks and watching anime, which should be positive. And next Tuesday I get to have girl talk and cocktails with Bianca at Junk Bar, which I am looking forward to rain or shine (I daresay it is currently more important to me in my calendar than a potential date with R, and dates with R are pretty damn awesome so that's saying something).
Complicated Things
R and I went to see Her. I still struggle to find words to describe it. When it finished, the entire cinema was dead silent, and people just sat there speechless until about halfway through the credits where a few of them decided to leave. The rest of us just sat there silently until the last credit rolled and the lights switched back on. We were supposed to get dinner afterwards, but eating seemed trivial, so we drove aimlessly for a while before picking up fast food (because we knew we should probably consume some calories even if it was the last thing on our mind).
We also had (what was from my perspective) a second significant dicussion in our relationship. We do lots of discussing, but this was the second time I have actually felt like there is a real problem. Luckily, in what is a very good sign, we are now 2/2 in terms of resolving things :) The first problem (back in late December) arose, I confronted it the next day, I got the extra information I was missing, and it hasn't reoccurred and things have been great since. This problem again I made myself bring it up as soon as I noticed it wasn't going away on it's own, and surprisingly I now feel comforted and like I have less to worry about.
R is having drinks with K, who mutual friends have been telling her she should date him. K has been separated from a bad marriage for 9 months, so this would be her first brush with polyamory I'm assuming. There are two possibilities: R's friends are right and they hit it off, or he and K decide they're better off as friends or decide on some level of casual dating/sex. The first one is obviously the "threat", though since his reassurance last night I am pretty confident it wouldn't change his decision to date me, so the only actual threat would be to the amount of time he has spare for me (and so far our past dicussing ability bodes well for us to actually be able to discuss that so that it never goes from a molehill to a mountain). There is also the slight risk that dating someone new to poly might mean she will expect him to act the same way someone would in a monogamous relationship, but that part is none of my business (unless it starts encroaching on my time with him). My relationship with R is exactly what my personal script wants (and the way it is set up now I can see plenty of opportunities for personal growth and finding myself in an even happier place over time), even if it doesn't come with the same stamp of approval that the social script gives, and I'm not going to let my insecurities compromise it (because these fears are going to keep reoccurring with the next partner and the next and the next until I learn to deal with them healthily instead of backing out). I am excited to see where this relationship will take me, and hopefully our relationship will result in R also finding himself in an even better place in his future than he is right now :)
R really likes me for me, the part of me that I consider most core to myself. He likes that I second guess things and then second guess my second guesses and am prepared to be wrong. He likes my overthinking, even if the way I think about things is complex instead of simple. It's also reassuring, because this trait can be off-putting for many people in relationships, and this trait is the chink in my armour. And it's an ability he does himself (which is why I owed it to myself to pursue a relationship with him and see what it would be like). And so in that sense, things are simple.
Simple things
Overthinking things can remind you of how simple something is. R likes my overthinking, he remembers things I say, and then he does them (which reminds me, I probably should let him know that it doesn't go unnoticed :D ). At the end of the movie, we were able to sit there in mutual silence for an indefinite period that didn't need to end anytime soon, knowing that nothing was wrong, that no one was being ignored.
It's interesting, it's like I have the relationship from my childhood with Kieran where we can break all the rules and somehow still stay together and happy, and now I have this adult relationship with R. And as much as the relationship with R is harder (at this stage I don't feel like I have the same leeway with him that I have with Kieran), I'm really happy I have both. I have always wanted a grown-up relationship, even if being a grown-up is hard sometimes, so it is very satisfying to my brain to finally be with someone who appreciates communication and prefers something healthy to Disney fairytales (which are super fun over the short term but not so good over the long term), and I really want to see what this successful-so-far relationship turns out like considering we're trying to make sure we go about things the right way from the start.
That said, Kieran and I (and possibly Rae and H & R) are planning to attend the Palace Cinemas childhood movies Flashback nostalgia event. Rather than it being a "hey kids, here's some entertainment" it is specifically targeted as a legitimate activity for adults "relive the movies of your childhood" (mid 1980s to mid 1990s). One of my discoveries last year with my friend Robbie was when he failed at filling his beanbags with beans, and then we deliberately scattered them all over the floor and played in them (originally we'd intended to get drunk, that turned out to be unnecessary) - people might say this was very childish behaviour, except that the only reason we could get away with it was because we were adults (no children would ever be allowed to do that). Similar to how the other week Michael and I ordered dessert before dinner, again it's not childish when you have to be an adult before you can get away with an activity.
Other than an uncreative three-word valentine's message that I was unsure whether it was obligatory, or had an agenda attached, the best Valentine's Day message I received was the day after from Ages where he said "Happy Discount Chocolate Day!" and that is something that interested me far more.
This afternoon I have a tea party with H consisting of drinking hot drinks and watching anime, which should be positive. And next Tuesday I get to have girl talk and cocktails with Bianca at Junk Bar, which I am looking forward to rain or shine (I daresay it is currently more important to me in my calendar than a potential date with R, and dates with R are pretty damn awesome so that's saying something).
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