Exhibit A
So things with my old friend started off perfect and exactly what I was expecting and I was impressed by his preparation. Then at one point he got upset because he felt rejected because he expected I would sleep with him and wasn't making any moves (I thought I'd come to his place because we'd been discussing how awesome experiencing nature is, and I live in the city so spending time in the country is something I don't get to do that often). Apparently his saying "my marriage is really unhappy" and "you should just relax and go with the flow" was code for hinting that I should be trying to do more with him than be his friend. Unfortunately in my head, people in closed marriages are off limits (why would I be interested in an affair when it's so much better for it to be out in the open and have their partners in the picture?), people going through breakups are off-limits (because they are vulnerable in who they will settle for, and I don't want to be a rebound), and people who are intoxicated are off-limits (because their decision making is compromised, so they may be convinced of things that they wouldn't agree to sober). So I had three very good strong reasons for keeping my thoughts strictly friendship based. And I took his "relax and go with the flow" as just good advice that I should be taking deep breaths while soaking up nature, since I stress often. He thinks I over-think things, yet my over-thinking things instead of just going with the flow is why I'm not dealing with fewer longterm consequences because my relationships are set up EXACTLY the way we both want them without any elements that we don't want, and I haven't just fallen into a marriage with kids to think of now.
Also I'm offended that I thought he wanted to hang out with me because I'm understanding, non-judgemental, and deep-thinking, and instead it turns out that he wanted to hang out with me because he thought I was the most likely one of his friends to be okay with sleeping with someone married. When in reality I don't have a higher sex drive than monogamous people, as a general rule I avoid getting into additional relationships (someone being nice/attractive/smart is not sufficient criteria for me to decide to allocate them extra time/energy when I only have so much of it to go around), and I'm no more okay with sleeping with someone in a closed marriage than a monogamous person is (or possibly, I'm less okay with it, since at least amongst monogamous people that's more normal, whereas around polyamorous people it's just strange behaviour full stop).
Exhibit B
Seeing Michael last night was the exact opposite experience. Being both polyamorous, whenever we worry that the other person might have an unspoken expectation, we have trained ourselves to just ask so that we can instantly know what pages we're both on, and then if necessary find a new page that suits us both. So at one point he said "this atmosphere feels date-like, so I'm wondering if that's how you see it", and I said "for me, it's not a date unless the word 'date' is used, and we haven't had any discussion about that", and he looked relieved (because if us hanging out was going to be a date, he would have preferred to clear it with his wife, also he would have dressed up more, also he would want to figure out whether I actually fit into his life and what he wants before risking complicating things with romance). So we both have the same attitude of "you get what you ask for". We asked for hanging out, we got hanging out, therefore success. If either of us had wanted more but failed to ask the other person, well that's our fault for not seeking additional consent, not the other person's fault for not being a mind-reader. So it's relaxing, hanging out with someone knowing so long as you go along with what was actually discussed everything is good, it won't change until they initiate a second discussion asking for an update. We also (being people who have thrown out the social script) decided to go with dessert for dinner (a very adult activity, not a childish one, since children are never allowed to eat dessert first), since we both liked the looks of the desserts more than the mains - another thing I love about polyamory, the freedom to tailor an experience to your actual preferences instead of putting up with the preferences society tells you you should have, even if that does require more honest discussion and self-analysis.
This is also why the way R asked me out was the most perfect way ever. His method both acknowledged that just because I'd agreed to cocktails in the city did not mean I'd agreed to anything more than cocktails in the city, and that if he wanted more he needed to use the word "date" so that I knew our next outing (should I agree to it) would be "dinner plus ..." or "cocktails plus ..." etc. And so far R and I have done well at the spelling out our expectations, which means much less hurt and drama, because I can just tell him "when you said this, I made the following assumptions, and the way it's turning out in reality is making me worry about ..." and he can reply with "oh, you were missing some information when you drew that conclusion, here let me give you those extra pieces so that you can be reassured about what's going on in my head". Which is much more pleasant than me silently stressing or starting to resent him or believing things that aren't real.
Valentine's Day
So I haven't discussed it with R yet, and my current plan was to avoid the topic completely if possible. Partially because in a vaccuum it is not something I want to celebrate. It is a day that makes single people feel left out (just like Christmas is a day that makes poor people feel inadequate). Us being in a new relationship, I have the conflict that I will feel jealousy if he spends it with another partner (because I want to hear romantic things, and they will be more guaranteed to hear those romantic things from him instead), but being polyamorous I'm pretty sure I can self-comfort/rationalise my way past that human emotion. I don't want to hear romantic things from him because the day obligates him to say them. I'd rather hear romantic things from him when the only possible reason for it is that that's what he feels like saying to me.
Kieran's partner Rae is organising a group dinner. On one hand I am happy about that (I don't have to deal alone with my emotions of missing out on hearing romantic things from R, even if that is partially by choice, and can be distracted by friends). On the other hand, I hate acknowledging the day full stop, and I hate the feeling that society programs us with that you MUST do something on that day or else you are unlovable, so I feel like they are still buying into that part (though hopefully the place they've picked won't have a Valentine's Day surcharge). Either way though, dinner with my friends is good no matter what the day is! Also, I think I've decided that I have three partners - Kieran, R, and myself. So spending Valentine's Day by myself (though mentally a bit of a challenge, thanks to stupid society), could be an opportunity to take care of myself and do some things that I specifically enjoy (whether or not anyone else does) and repair some self-esteem.
I also don't like going out to dinner just because everyone else is and paying a surcharge in order to fulfill the social script. One of the things I love about shift work, is that I can do things when it is less crowded. (Which is why I remind myself that spending Valentine's Day one-on-one with a partner really isn't my thing, no matter how much I want an excuse for more romance with R - too much pressure and obligation and overcrowding interfering with any potential genuine caring about each other.)
So things with my old friend started off perfect and exactly what I was expecting and I was impressed by his preparation. Then at one point he got upset because he felt rejected because he expected I would sleep with him and wasn't making any moves (I thought I'd come to his place because we'd been discussing how awesome experiencing nature is, and I live in the city so spending time in the country is something I don't get to do that often). Apparently his saying "my marriage is really unhappy" and "you should just relax and go with the flow" was code for hinting that I should be trying to do more with him than be his friend. Unfortunately in my head, people in closed marriages are off limits (why would I be interested in an affair when it's so much better for it to be out in the open and have their partners in the picture?), people going through breakups are off-limits (because they are vulnerable in who they will settle for, and I don't want to be a rebound), and people who are intoxicated are off-limits (because their decision making is compromised, so they may be convinced of things that they wouldn't agree to sober). So I had three very good strong reasons for keeping my thoughts strictly friendship based. And I took his "relax and go with the flow" as just good advice that I should be taking deep breaths while soaking up nature, since I stress often. He thinks I over-think things, yet my over-thinking things instead of just going with the flow is why I'm not dealing with fewer longterm consequences because my relationships are set up EXACTLY the way we both want them without any elements that we don't want, and I haven't just fallen into a marriage with kids to think of now.
Also I'm offended that I thought he wanted to hang out with me because I'm understanding, non-judgemental, and deep-thinking, and instead it turns out that he wanted to hang out with me because he thought I was the most likely one of his friends to be okay with sleeping with someone married. When in reality I don't have a higher sex drive than monogamous people, as a general rule I avoid getting into additional relationships (someone being nice/attractive/smart is not sufficient criteria for me to decide to allocate them extra time/energy when I only have so much of it to go around), and I'm no more okay with sleeping with someone in a closed marriage than a monogamous person is (or possibly, I'm less okay with it, since at least amongst monogamous people that's more normal, whereas around polyamorous people it's just strange behaviour full stop).
Exhibit B
Seeing Michael last night was the exact opposite experience. Being both polyamorous, whenever we worry that the other person might have an unspoken expectation, we have trained ourselves to just ask so that we can instantly know what pages we're both on, and then if necessary find a new page that suits us both. So at one point he said "this atmosphere feels date-like, so I'm wondering if that's how you see it", and I said "for me, it's not a date unless the word 'date' is used, and we haven't had any discussion about that", and he looked relieved (because if us hanging out was going to be a date, he would have preferred to clear it with his wife, also he would have dressed up more, also he would want to figure out whether I actually fit into his life and what he wants before risking complicating things with romance). So we both have the same attitude of "you get what you ask for". We asked for hanging out, we got hanging out, therefore success. If either of us had wanted more but failed to ask the other person, well that's our fault for not seeking additional consent, not the other person's fault for not being a mind-reader. So it's relaxing, hanging out with someone knowing so long as you go along with what was actually discussed everything is good, it won't change until they initiate a second discussion asking for an update. We also (being people who have thrown out the social script) decided to go with dessert for dinner (a very adult activity, not a childish one, since children are never allowed to eat dessert first), since we both liked the looks of the desserts more than the mains - another thing I love about polyamory, the freedom to tailor an experience to your actual preferences instead of putting up with the preferences society tells you you should have, even if that does require more honest discussion and self-analysis.
This is also why the way R asked me out was the most perfect way ever. His method both acknowledged that just because I'd agreed to cocktails in the city did not mean I'd agreed to anything more than cocktails in the city, and that if he wanted more he needed to use the word "date" so that I knew our next outing (should I agree to it) would be "dinner plus ..." or "cocktails plus ..." etc. And so far R and I have done well at the spelling out our expectations, which means much less hurt and drama, because I can just tell him "when you said this, I made the following assumptions, and the way it's turning out in reality is making me worry about ..." and he can reply with "oh, you were missing some information when you drew that conclusion, here let me give you those extra pieces so that you can be reassured about what's going on in my head". Which is much more pleasant than me silently stressing or starting to resent him or believing things that aren't real.
Valentine's Day
So I haven't discussed it with R yet, and my current plan was to avoid the topic completely if possible. Partially because in a vaccuum it is not something I want to celebrate. It is a day that makes single people feel left out (just like Christmas is a day that makes poor people feel inadequate). Us being in a new relationship, I have the conflict that I will feel jealousy if he spends it with another partner (because I want to hear romantic things, and they will be more guaranteed to hear those romantic things from him instead), but being polyamorous I'm pretty sure I can self-comfort/rationalise my way past that human emotion. I don't want to hear romantic things from him because the day obligates him to say them. I'd rather hear romantic things from him when the only possible reason for it is that that's what he feels like saying to me.
Kieran's partner Rae is organising a group dinner. On one hand I am happy about that (I don't have to deal alone with my emotions of missing out on hearing romantic things from R, even if that is partially by choice, and can be distracted by friends). On the other hand, I hate acknowledging the day full stop, and I hate the feeling that society programs us with that you MUST do something on that day or else you are unlovable, so I feel like they are still buying into that part (though hopefully the place they've picked won't have a Valentine's Day surcharge). Either way though, dinner with my friends is good no matter what the day is! Also, I think I've decided that I have three partners - Kieran, R, and myself. So spending Valentine's Day by myself (though mentally a bit of a challenge, thanks to stupid society), could be an opportunity to take care of myself and do some things that I specifically enjoy (whether or not anyone else does) and repair some self-esteem.
I also don't like going out to dinner just because everyone else is and paying a surcharge in order to fulfill the social script. One of the things I love about shift work, is that I can do things when it is less crowded. (Which is why I remind myself that spending Valentine's Day one-on-one with a partner really isn't my thing, no matter how much I want an excuse for more romance with R - too much pressure and obligation and overcrowding interfering with any potential genuine caring about each other.)
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