Something that really only just hit home to me

I remember being frustrated in my poly relationship last year that the guy seemed to desire his other partner above me (I don't even know if this was actually true because he definitely tried to make it fair, but my fear certainly influenced my behaviour enough to turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy) even though I thought I was the better partner "on paper" (I saw her as the wrong age, too needy, too superficial, etc etc - though for the record all these are traits that I actually really love about her as a friend now that I've stopped seeing her as a relationship threat: youthful energy, loving passionately, keeping things simple, sparkliness etc.)

Society tells men that if they are nice, women will eventually sleep with them.  Men get upset (to varying levels of aggressive between 0 and shooting rampage [rare, thank god]) when the sex doesn't appear because they feel like they did their part.  Especially if they did more than just be nice, but strove for excellence to be as close as possible to what they think would be the Best Boyfriend Evar!  Sad thing is, it turns out being excellent doesn't get you sex, the only guaranteed reward you get from being excellent is your excellent self! :)

Whether I was better on paper or not (and current me would go with the "we're different, full stop"), my expectation that this should be relevant to how much I was desired was wrong.  And the "if you do x, people will desire you fallacy" is harmful because you assume a lack of desire means you're not "x", and lack of having "x" trait means you will be forever alone.  I can be awesome, and that doesn't mean people will desire me for anything more than friendship.  I could be amazing in bed, and yet their body just isn't interested in getting close enough to find out.  I could be bad in bed, and for some reason they still want to get that close to me on a frequent basis.

Sometimes I feel insecure because R is super hot (conventionally) and I don't have that trait.  But I've just realised I don't have to worry.  Because being super hot wouldn't be a security guarantee of sex and love anyway.  I could be super hot and still not appeal to him personally (just as he appeals to me because of who he is specifically, and there could be an equally hot person out there who just wouldn't no matter how equally awesome they seemed).  And (as is the case) I can fail at being super hot, and yet still somehow click for him in my own way just being myself.  I can't earn someone wanting to sleep with me (make up for my lack of conventional hotness with other things and make a claim for their attention).  If they do, they do, regardless of whether or not outsiders think I deserve it.

It was traumatic but good that the guy broke up with me.  As a defence mechanism against worrying that he might desire his new partner above me, I was steering way too close (or probably well and truly overstepping the line) on guilting him into love and sex, because I felt that's what he owed me (because I felt I was the one behaving properly, and she was the one behaving immaturely, yet I felt she was the one getting the majority of his available love and sex).  In the early days, he was giving me love and sex because he wanted to.  In the later days I wasn't happy with the love and sex I did get, probably because deep down I knew I had done things to change it from being freely offered to making him feel like it was something he owed me.

He doesn't owe me an explanation for choosing to break up with me but stay with the partner I felt didn't deserve him as much (as it's not actually relevant whether I would consider his reasons good or bad, it doesn't change his consent).  It also doesn't necessarily mean I am a bad person (I definitely think I made some mistakes, but even if I had been perfect throughout the relationship, if he didn't want to be with me, that's that).  At the end of the day, doing your best to be the perfect partner for someone, does not mean you are entitled to have them pick you, and doesn't mean that they are not entitled to pick the person you imagine deserves them less (and they don't have to justify why - their consent is final).

The only reward you can expect from being the most excellent person you know how, is yourself.

Over-complicating things (can be good or bad)

Good over-complications

So to my surprise I am really into James (not real name).  It is again a reminiscent of Kieran situation where he's not someone I would have considered might work well for me, yet somehow he pushes all the right buttons beyond what I'd expect from NRE.  Especially it surprises me since R is the most objectively physically attractive male specimen I know (and is great on the inside too - smart, caring, honest), and yet despite being technically more flawed my subconscious seems to have a stronger emotional reaction to James.  It turns out that James and I both really enjoy teasing and making ourselves wait for things, so we've decided to conceal our relationship around the Greens (him because he sees it as his career and doesn't want to appear unprofessional, and me because I want to protect it from people's opinions and also I enjoy things that are meta where there is an additional layer to everything that ordinary people don't notice), hence we have decided to add another layer of complication by adding (spy-inspired) code-names so that we can still mention the existence of a partner if needed (I investigated possible spy-related labels, but "partner" appears to be the only one that is at least also used by detectives).  Which is very similar to when my relationship with Kieran started where we hid it from everyone for a few months (going so far as to even stage arguments in front of our friends).  In terms of time, his living at the Sunshine Coast means that a lot of our relationship is just sending each other anticipatory messages over Facebook, which invokes both the feeling teased and the having to wait due to the distance between us, and heightens things when we finally do see each other (it feels like a week or more's worth of mental foreplay, which is heightened further if we see each other in a situation where we have to wait before we can act on our desires).  It amuses me that I have a relationship with Rohan which is completely straightforward and "adult" (though I wonder if this is just because he's closer to my own age? [a year and a half younger]), and an "immature" relationship with James (only just turned 22) where we have decided to add in additional unnecessary layers of difficulty because somehow that makes it more fun for both of us.


Bad over-complications

One thing I like about polyamory is that you're not stuck with "these are just friends" and "these are full-on relationships" categories, at least in theory.  But it appears I suck at negotiating that in real life.  The only successful "blurry" situations I have (where both of us are longterm secure & content) are Josh H (started a relationship two years ago, then scaled it back because of metamour issues, and haven't tried to reinstate it to it's former level of investment since even though spending time with him is always great when it happens) and my best friend Jon whom I have been outrageously flirting with (and making potential suitors jealous of) since I first came to Brisbane for uni (12 years ago).

I talked to R and Kieran about how I might go about negotiating something with M (we felt a connection from when we first met but we both lead extremely busy lives, and he is excellent at communication and consent so he is someone that I would be okay being more than just friendly with if we're both at an event together).  I then had the discussion with M, trying to explain that I didn't want to have to set up separate events to see him (lack of time) but that if we were at the same thing I would be okay with us being more than just friendly.  Unfortunately then later M said "so did you tell Kieran and R about our holding hands?" (I like to take things slow) which bothered me because I don't want the things I do with M to be serious nor a Big Deal (R actually recently commented with amusement on how nonchalant I was when I recently informed him that I'd slept with someone new as just a comment buried within a much bigger talking about what I'd been up to [again it was a situation that he had been informed might happen long before it ever got to that point]), and besides that I'm the kind of person that had already told Kieran and R the important part long before ever discussing anything with M so that us holding hands wouldn't have come as a surprise at all, and for me to specifically make a point of telling them that I held hands with M would be inflating what should have been a nice simple straightforward moment.  So apparently I can't just hold hands with someone one evening without it being the start of something Significant and Momentous.  Maybe I'm being selfish, but I don't want to have my limited brain power being spent on having to comfort even more male egos.

This is where Liz gave me great terminology.  Capital R "Relationships" and little r "relationships".  Capital R Relationships are ones where I am obligated to try to see them regularly, and check in on how they are feeling in between seeing them.  Little r relationships are ones where if we don't do any more-than-just-friends behaviour, well one/both of us might miss it, but it's not obligatory and can always happen next time instead.  So my Relationships are Kieran, R, and now James.  And someone being a relationship doesn't mean that they're not special to me - it means there are particular things that I specifically like about them that I can point to as to why they are definitely not just another friend to me.

I also had a chat with R's partner H, where sadly her life is complicated, but at least it's brought us closer (strangely, one of the things I like about being an important part of R's life is that I get to have H in my life too).  I think I'm just really happy that I've formed standalone friendships with his two main partners so that even if R and I broke up (which we both admitted the other night would come as a surprise and seem out of the blue as there is no reason for it) we could still support each other.  So I feel like I'm doing pretty good at this being poly with R thing, where I'm considerate of his other relationships and they are happy to have me in their lives as a metamour.


Simple things

Kieran and I went down to Canberra, and I thought there was a possibility that my super-smart friend down there might be interested in me.  So being the over-thinker that I am, I made up my mind that Day 1 all I had to do was make sure I make some sort of non-friendly move (eg. hold hands), to set the tone for the rest of the visit (otherwise, he might get the impression that I just wanted to be friends, and would respond in kind, and then I'd return to Brisbane, and then we'd have some conversation where we discover we were both interested in each other at the time but too scared to do anything about it).  My timeline then assumed that Day 2 we would probably do no more than kiss (I like to take things slow), and Day 3 make out or more.  Perhaps I am just a very conservative planner where I planned the most predictable course of events, because I didn't put much effort into making sure that all happened, and yet it all happened exactly like that.  Towards the end of Day 1 we held hands, towards the end of Day 2 we kissed a little bit, and then Day 3 was full on.  Luckily this guy (maybe it's because he's 37) is actually completely okay with the idea of "okay, so if we're in the same geographical location, we will do more than friendly behaviour, and if we're not in the same geographical location we'll go back to our pre-relationship status quo of only interacting when we have something specific to say to each other".  I was mildly concerned that I might be setting myself up for obligatory Skype chats on a regular basis (James is still the only person I can maintain regular internet messaging with) where I have to try to actually maintain the relationship, instead of just relaxing and trusting that our interest won't diminish between now and September.

My relationship with R is still surprisingly drama free.  I am comfortable with the amount we see each other, I enjoy the things we do and talk about when we are together, I feel like we have good boundaries established and so far our communications have been a success, I get a healthy dose of nostalgia and healing of ex-boyfriend wounds from it, and I like his two main partners enough that I would be happy to interact with them more than I do now if needed.  I'm not sure how I'm going to deal if I'm directly confronted with his newer relationships (since I'm not sure how well thought out his decision to invest himself there is), but so far the boundaries that we have in place mean that they're not really affecting me (we do seem to keep separate lives, which is still unfamiliar to me since all my other partners have had overlapping friends/hobbies but that seems to be working well and makes our relationship less rocky).

Time.

So I've started getting serious about fixing my calendar.  The reason I haven't written is a lack of time.  Despite having lots to write about.

• Meeting R's other main partner ____ and skipping the small talk and jumping straight ahead to deep & meaningfuls (despite the fact that it triggered some tears on the first evening).  R is doing a lot more overlapping meals (sleepover with one partner, breakfast with both of us, spend the day with the other partner, dinner with both, sleepover with the next) which is great because I get to see H & ____ without having to organise something myself with them.  He is pretty impressed that ____ and I are already able to have conversations on our own without him there (Bechdel test passed!), I think his expectations were a lot more pessimistic in terms of how quickly we'd make friends once given the chance.
• Got sexually assaulted (no scars other than mental thankfully) by a "friend".  (While drunk, told the friend that his behaviour was unwelcome 3+ times while he continued to try to grope me or tell me that I didn't sound so sure, until finally got my male friend Jack to step in and then he [after the second time of being asked to leave] understood the message).  Jack has since spoken to him about it to make sure it doesn't happen again.  But it sucks that for women it appears that if I say "NO!" they will say "you don't have to be such a bitch about it", but if you say it more diplomatically then they think they can try to change it to a yes.  More than hurt, I am just angry that it happened.  Also, of course, he has ruined any chances of getting closer to me.  I don't want to go near someone who doesn't care whether or not I'm comfortable or going to enjoy something, and can't accept no.

I've realised that for people I see somewhat regularly (overlapping friend group events), I can't afford to give them their own separate event in my calendar without it coming at the expense of friends I don't get to see nearly as often.  So for people in that situation for the time being it's now going to be that if they want extra time we can try to meet up before or after whatever mutual event we were planning to attend, since that evening would already be a write off.  Therefore the only people who will see me on days outside of group events are: R (once every 8 days), R's partner H (once every 16 days and also during any overlapping meals), and people who I don't get to see as often (or at all) at group events.  And it will remain scaled back until I catch my breath and figure out how to be smart about fitting things in again.  (R is having a similar issue, hence the institution of overlapping meal times to fit his dates in.)

I recently started discussing polyamory with a friend (who expressed interest in me) because I didn't believe they knew what they were asking for when expressing interest.  Somehow discussing theoretical relationships and likes and dislikes and goals and opinions was more fun than I expected (the first person in a long time I've actually wanted to continue an internet conversation with), and made me start to want the relationship we'd talked about.  Which is possibly crazy, since we don't know if we could make that work in person, so now I feel like this is probably what internet dating is like.  Find yourself bonding over deep & meaningfuls, then hope real life matches up so that you haven't started to mentally attach yourself to someone inappropriate.  It is also very reminiscent of how Kieran and I got together, and this person is quite similar to Kieran when he was that age (so I see lots of eye rolling ahead), where Kieran described a future that I coincidentally wanted and he suggested we should get married (and I said jokingly he would probably need to be romantically interested first, and he admitted he was already interested to my surprise, so then I needed to figure out if I could be interested in someone that I'd never thought of in that way until now).  So I'm not sure if my subconscious is interested for the right or wrong reasons.  In terms of time, he lives three hours away, but we have a common interest that I want to be more involved in so it would fit in with the spending extra time on the day the common interest happens.  Also, he is really good at talking online with me (no offence to other guys, whom I struggle in that area with no matter how much I love them), which is probably something "long" distance will require (and was a reason why up until now I avoided any relationship that needed that kind of attention).  I'm not sure if this is a good choice (because we've discussed it hypothetically more than any other relationship I've had before) or a silly choice (falling for hypothetical discussions instead of figuring out reality).  Also there's a possibility I'm enjoying the contrast with R (cautious and measured in his affirmations of me) versus dealing with another Kieran (expressive, ego-boosting, risk-embracing).  Deciding to date Kieran because we wanted compatible things even though he wasn't someone I'd normally consider worked out exceptionally well, and this could be the same situation.  Or it could be that next blog post there's no more mention of James (not his real name) other than it was a dream I've since woken up from :(

Extremes

Last night was a combination of simple things and complicated things.  I'm glad life is filled with both.  I'm thinking I should start with the complicated things.

Complicated Things

R and I went to see Her.  I still struggle to find words to describe it.  When it finished, the entire cinema was dead silent, and people just sat there speechless until about halfway through the credits where a few of them decided to leave.  The rest of us just sat there silently until the last credit rolled and the lights switched back on.  We were supposed to get dinner afterwards, but eating seemed trivial, so we drove aimlessly for a while before picking up fast food (because we knew we should probably consume some calories even if it was the last thing on our mind).

We also had (what was from my perspective) a second significant dicussion in our relationship.  We do lots of discussing, but this was the second time I have actually felt like there is a real problem.  Luckily, in what is a very good sign, we are now 2/2 in terms of resolving things :)  The first problem (back in late December) arose, I confronted it the next day, I got the extra information I was missing, and it hasn't reoccurred and things have been great since.  This problem again I made myself bring it up as soon as I noticed it wasn't going away on it's own, and surprisingly I now feel comforted and like I have less to worry about.

R is having drinks with K, who mutual friends have been telling her she should date him.  K has been separated from a bad marriage for 9 months, so this would be her first brush with polyamory I'm assuming.  There are two possibilities:  R's friends are right and they hit it off, or he and K decide they're better off as friends or decide on some level of casual dating/sex.  The first one is obviously the "threat", though since his reassurance last night I am pretty confident it wouldn't change his decision to date me, so the only actual threat would be to the amount of time he has spare for me (and so far our past dicussing ability bodes well for us to actually be able to discuss that so that it never goes from a molehill to a mountain).  There is also the slight risk that dating someone new to poly might mean she will expect him to act the same way someone would in a monogamous relationship, but that part is none of my business (unless it starts encroaching on my time with him).  My relationship with R is exactly what my personal script wants (and the way it is set up now I can see plenty of opportunities for personal growth and finding myself in an even happier place over time), even if it doesn't come with the same stamp of approval that the social script gives, and I'm not going to let my insecurities compromise it (because these fears are going to keep reoccurring with the next partner and the next and the next until I learn to deal with them healthily instead of backing out).  I am excited to see where this relationship will take me, and hopefully our relationship will result in R also finding himself in an even better place in his future than he is right now :)

R really likes me for me, the part of me that I consider most core to myself.  He likes that I second guess things and then second guess my second guesses and am prepared to be wrong.  He likes my overthinking, even if the way I think about things is complex instead of simple.  It's also reassuring, because this trait can be off-putting for many people in relationships, and this trait is the chink in my armour.  And it's an ability he does himself (which is why I owed it to myself to pursue a relationship with him and see what it would be like).  And so in that sense, things are simple.

Simple things

Overthinking things can remind you of how simple something is.  R likes my overthinking, he remembers things I say, and then he does them (which reminds me, I probably should let him know that it doesn't go unnoticed :D ).  At the end of the movie, we were able to sit there in mutual silence for an indefinite period that didn't need to end anytime soon, knowing that nothing was wrong, that no one was being ignored.

It's interesting, it's like I have the relationship from my childhood with Kieran where we can break all the rules and somehow still stay together and happy, and now I have this adult relationship with R.  And as much as the relationship with R is harder (at this stage I don't feel like I have the same leeway with him that I have with Kieran), I'm really happy I have both.  I have always wanted a grown-up relationship, even if being a grown-up is hard sometimes, so it is very satisfying to my brain to finally be with someone who appreciates communication and prefers something healthy to Disney fairytales (which are super fun over the short term but not so good over the long term), and I really want to see what this successful-so-far relationship turns out like considering we're trying to make sure we go about things the right way from the start.

That said, Kieran and I (and possibly Rae and H & R) are planning to attend the Palace Cinemas childhood movies Flashback nostalgia event.  Rather than it being a "hey kids, here's some entertainment" it is specifically targeted as a legitimate activity for adults "relive the movies of your childhood" (mid 1980s to mid 1990s).  One of my discoveries last year with my friend Robbie was when he failed at filling his beanbags with beans, and then we deliberately scattered them all over the floor and played in them (originally we'd intended to get drunk, that turned out to be unnecessary) - people might say this was very childish behaviour, except that the only reason we could get away with it was because we were adults (no children would ever be allowed to do that).  Similar to how the other week Michael and I ordered dessert before dinner, again it's not childish when you have to be an adult before you can get away with an activity.

Other than an uncreative three-word valentine's message that I was unsure whether it was obligatory, or had an agenda attached, the best Valentine's Day message I received was the day after from Ages where he said "Happy Discount Chocolate Day!" and that is something that interested me far more.

This afternoon I have a tea party with H consisting of drinking hot drinks and watching anime, which should be positive.  And next Tuesday I get to have girl talk and cocktails with Bianca at Junk Bar, which I am looking forward to rain or shine (I daresay it is currently more important to me in my calendar than a potential date with R, and dates with R are pretty damn awesome so that's saying something).

Over-thinking things

Exhibit A

So things with my old friend started off perfect and exactly what I was expecting and I was impressed by his preparation.  Then at one point he got upset because he felt rejected because he expected I would sleep with him and wasn't making any moves (I thought I'd come to his place because we'd been discussing how awesome experiencing nature is, and I live in the city so spending time in the country is something I don't get to do that often).  Apparently his saying "my marriage is really unhappy" and "you should just relax and go with the flow" was code for hinting that I should be trying to do more with him than be his friend.  Unfortunately in my head, people in closed marriages are off limits (why would I be interested in an affair when it's so much better for it to be out in the open and have their partners in the picture?), people going through breakups are off-limits (because they are vulnerable in who they will settle for, and I don't want to be a rebound), and people who are intoxicated are off-limits (because their decision making is compromised, so they may be convinced of things that they wouldn't agree to sober).  So I had three very good strong reasons for keeping my thoughts strictly friendship based.  And I took his "relax and go with the flow" as just good advice that I should be taking deep breaths while soaking up nature, since I stress often.  He thinks I over-think things, yet my over-thinking things instead of just going with the flow is why I'm not dealing with fewer longterm consequences because my relationships are set up EXACTLY the way we both want them without any elements that we don't want, and I haven't just fallen into a marriage with kids to think of now.

Also I'm offended that I thought he wanted to hang out with me because I'm understanding, non-judgemental, and deep-thinking, and instead it turns out that he wanted to hang out with me because he thought I was the most likely one of his friends to be okay with sleeping with someone married.  When in reality I don't have a higher sex drive than monogamous people, as a general rule I avoid getting into additional relationships (someone being nice/attractive/smart is not sufficient criteria for me to decide to allocate them extra time/energy when I only have so much of it to go around), and I'm no more okay with sleeping with someone in a closed marriage than a monogamous person is (or possibly, I'm less okay with it, since at least amongst monogamous people that's more normal, whereas around polyamorous people it's just strange behaviour full stop).

Exhibit B

Seeing Michael last night was the exact opposite experience.  Being both polyamorous, whenever we worry that the other person might have an unspoken expectation, we have trained ourselves to just ask so that we can instantly know what pages we're both on, and then if necessary find a new page that suits us both.  So at one point he said "this atmosphere feels date-like, so I'm wondering if that's how you see it", and I said "for me, it's not a date unless the word 'date' is used, and we haven't had any discussion about that", and he looked relieved (because if us hanging out was going to be a date, he would have preferred to clear it with his wife, also he would have dressed up more, also he would want to figure out whether I actually fit into his life and what he wants before risking complicating things with romance).  So we both have the same attitude of "you get what you ask for".  We asked for hanging out, we got hanging out, therefore success.  If either of us had wanted more but failed to ask the other person, well that's our fault for not seeking additional consent, not the other person's fault for not being a mind-reader.  So it's relaxing, hanging out with someone knowing so long as you go along with what was actually discussed everything is good, it won't change until they initiate a second discussion asking for an update.  We also (being people who have thrown out the social script) decided to go with dessert for dinner (a very adult activity, not a childish one, since children are never allowed to eat dessert first), since we both liked the looks of the desserts more than the mains - another thing I love about polyamory, the freedom to tailor an experience to your actual preferences instead of putting up with the preferences society tells you you should have, even if that does require more honest discussion and self-analysis.

This is also why the way R asked me out was the most perfect way ever.  His method both acknowledged that just because I'd agreed to cocktails in the city did not mean I'd agreed to anything more than cocktails in the city, and that if he wanted more he needed to use the word "date" so that I knew our next outing (should I agree to it) would be "dinner plus ..." or "cocktails plus ..." etc.  And so far R and I have done well at the spelling out our expectations, which means much less hurt and drama, because I can just tell him "when you said this, I made the following assumptions, and the way it's turning out in reality is making me worry about ..." and he can reply with "oh, you were missing some information when you drew that conclusion, here let me give you those extra pieces so that you can be reassured about what's going on in my head".  Which is much more pleasant than me silently stressing or starting to resent him or believing things that aren't real.

Valentine's Day

So I haven't discussed it with R yet, and my current plan was to avoid the topic completely if possible.  Partially because in a vaccuum it is not something I want to celebrate.  It is a day that makes single people feel left out (just like Christmas is a day that makes poor people feel inadequate).  Us being in a new relationship, I have the conflict that I will feel jealousy if he spends it with another partner (because I want to hear romantic things, and they will be more guaranteed to hear those romantic things from him instead), but being polyamorous I'm pretty sure I can self-comfort/rationalise my way past that human emotion.  I don't want to hear romantic things from him because the day obligates him to say them.  I'd rather hear romantic things from him when the only possible reason for it is that that's what he feels like saying to me.

Kieran's partner Rae is organising a group dinner.  On one hand I am happy about that (I don't have to deal alone with my emotions of missing out on hearing romantic things from R, even if that is partially by choice, and can be distracted by friends).  On the other hand, I hate acknowledging the day full stop, and I hate the feeling that society programs us with that you MUST do something on that day or else you are unlovable, so I feel like they are still buying into that part (though hopefully the place they've picked won't have a Valentine's Day surcharge).  Either way though, dinner with my friends is good no matter what the day is!  Also, I think I've decided that I have three partners - Kieran, R, and myself.  So spending Valentine's Day by myself (though mentally a bit of a challenge, thanks to stupid society), could be an opportunity to take care of myself and do some things that I specifically enjoy (whether or not anyone else does) and repair some self-esteem.

I also don't like going out to dinner just because everyone else is and paying a surcharge in order to fulfill the social script.  One of the things I love about shift work, is that I can do things when it is less crowded.  (Which is why I remind myself that spending Valentine's Day one-on-one with a partner really isn't my thing, no matter how much I want an excuse for more romance with R - too much pressure and obligation and overcrowding interfering with any potential genuine caring about each other.)

Progress

I really like being a shift-worker.  This morning I was wandering around my house wearing sunglasses, because I'd actually remembered to bring them to work, so have been wearing them since my 6am finish.  I wanted to make food before bed but I wanted to minimise daylight.  I like novelty and having rational reasons to do things that are harmless but normally not socially acceptable.  I don't have a face that suits sunglasses (though I do suit hats), to the extent where friends have tried to prove me wrong and become demoralised in the process, but for this job I decided to find a pair that would look nice (even if not amazing) and meet my criteria (rose-tinted in some way, since so far I haven't outgrown my inner hippie) no matter what the price, so even though I don't normally like labels my sunglasses are Armani and give me a hint of feeling like a movie star.

Developments

Over ten years ago I dated a guy named Ryan.  Ryan and I broke up, but I met his friends and liked them all instantly.  One of that crowd I don't see very often, but we agreed to meet for lunch, and now I'm spending the night at his place on Saturday (platonically, his marriage is definitely not open) because he sees me as pretty much the only friend who will understand a particular activity.  So that's exciting, as he is one of the group that I've never had the opportunity to properly build a real friendship with, yet obviously just seeing what I post on Facebook has kept me on his radar of people he's interested in getting to know better.  We also talked a bit about M, a guy that I had a crush on when I was younger, though the two of us were never in the right mindset to do anything about it (and that's still the case today, sadly our heads are in very incompatible places).

I decided to check in with R whether our label had changed in his head.  Three months ago I was "person he is seeing", which is fine but makes it sound like he's still testing it out (which he was), so I have been careful to only use the word "partner" in situations where the longer phrase would complicate things.  Apparently now I count as one of his partners, so I will start using that term.  It would have been okay if it hadn't changed as I don't want him to feel rushed, and our relationship is good so far regardless of how you label it, but I was curious to learn how long it would take him to move out of the "seeing if this could be a thing" to the "this is a thing" mindset.  Also R went out to dinner with my fiance Kieran and housemate Brad, which is good because I want him to feel comfortable at my house.  I'm seeing him Sunday night which I'm looking forward to, but I'm also wondering if Saturday night is going to have any effect on me beyond that one night.  Even if it's going to be a net positive effect, part of me feels that I like my life how it is right now and staying the same could help me maintain it.

Monday night I am meeting up with Michael, whom I met in a past life (we both think each other looks super familiar, yet we have no past places/activities/events/mutual friends in common, so if it wasn't this life it must have been a past one).  It has been almost two or more years since we last saw each other, but it doesn't feel like that long.  Making the time to build my relationships (even just the platonic ones) makes me happy.

"Dirty 30s" and Confidence

So this will be random thoughts.

Dirty 30s

The classmates from my final boarding school (I went to three different high schools) are considering having a second reunion.

I never intended to go to the 10 year reunion as I didn't like the school and haven't really kept any friends from it, then as a personal growth challenge I decided to attend the school reunion (we decided to host our own classier version because the school's version of a reunion was a glorified daytime campus tour) despite the fact that none of the girls I used to hang out with bothered to show up (so it was only the "popular" group).  And I ended up having a great time.  Everyone had matured, so they were friendly and welcoming and the venue chosen was much nicer than the whitewashed school grounds.  I wore a $10 dress that I felt confident in that I felt expressed my personality and my current place in life (which apparently R thinks I look hot in - the first time he saw me in it he was like "right, we're not staying in, I'm taking you out!"), which I was also happy about because $10 is what that school deserved in effort (no offence to the student victims there) and because it fights against the idea that you should spend lots of money to project an aura of success to your peers.

I know exactly what dress I want to wear to my Dirty 30 Reunion - I think this one cost $40 but it is the right mix of effortless but fun and dressy, so that's pretty simple.  Apparently though this time partners might be welcome.  This is where I become torn between wanting to advocate for poly and drag both my partners, versus not wanting to be accused of showing off and therefore picking just one (but how to choose?).  Kieran would be up for it (if he can get the night off work), but it would be nice if R could be there too (but maybe the situation would be too overwhelming for him?).  If R did come, I'm not sure if it would be easier if Kieran wasn't there and therefore we could be read as monogamous until asked, or if it would be easier if Kieran was there and then he has someone to talk to.  I also don't want to make the reunion about polyamory, and I wish the world actually was set up so that I could bring them both and no one raise an eyebrow or even people shrug or yawn with boredom.  Or seeing as my Facebook has Kieran quite openly declaring his love, perhaps bringing R would be sufficient for people to go "I thought you were with some other guy" and I can reply with "yeah, I'm still with him too".  So polyamory could be mentioned, but it won't actually be visibly in their faces so it will attract a lower level of attention.

Confidence

I was (naively) surprised by some of the comments on this article.  The author was pretty careful to mention the existence of guys who have a fat-fetish or who are attracted to her size and ashamed of it, in amongst the ones that weren't attracted or who liked her for her.  Firstly there was the comments of "wahh I'm not confident, yet I can get sex despite that" - sure, but I'm going to guess that sex is a lot more satisfying when you're not distracted by worrying about how you look during the act.  It's not too hard to find sex, but getting good sex is definitely something she has every right to celebrate, and it sounds like she is being discerning (not spending too much time bothering with the first three types of guys).  Secondly there was the "I'm too bogged down believing stereotypes to trust that nice conventionally attractive guys are not attracted to unconventional women, there must be a hidden agenda" which is just offensive - a nice hot guy gives you an answer, and you assume he must be lying because of your own poor self-confidence ... yeah I think you're the one with the problem, not him.  And it's kind of selfish to expect him to then have to argue the case, instead of you being responsible for maintaining your self esteem.

I am currently dating someone I thought was out of my league looks-wise (ever since high school, he has always been at the top of my "hottest guy I know" list, though I never let myself develop a crush on him until I only recently found out there was a more than 50% chance of reciprocation).  But definitely I think I need to stop writing guys off as "this person is conventionally attractive, therefore they won't be interested, so I won't treat any interest they show as them being actually serious".  It's not a good criteria for deciding against a relationship, nor even a good criteria for deciding to not accept and enjoy harmless compliments/flirting.  So apparently being 30 really does result in increased confidence, the only catch being that it is a conscious decision because you realise how many beliefs don't actually do you any favours and life is getting shorter so you spend less time worrying about motives and more time enjoying it anyway.

In other news

A guy at work had a prank played on him where his friends changed the privacy settings to all his facebook statuses to "only me" a few weeks ago.  The thing I find hilarious is that he didn't even notice until they told him, so either it's pretty normal for him to not get many likes/comments, or it's just not something he bothers to worry about (which is an attitude I appreciate, considering how many people post things just to fish for reactions).  He took it pretty well.

Apparently R's other partner H's sister A told his best friend that he should get to know me, which is kinda cool considering A and I have never properly talked so maybe she's just heard conversations between H and I or H has said nice things about me.  Hopefully A and I also get to properly know each other sometime.  R is quite cautious about making sure a relationship is actually a good thing before prioritising introducing them to his friends, but this weekend I might be meeting his other partner over breakfast.  I am hoping we click, and either way it will be good to have her become a real person and not just an imaginary concept (where I could be imagining things inaccurately, and I'd prefer to deal with reality).  And R and I had a great stay-at-home date on Tuesday night where we did a lot of talking (including agreeing that we don't want this relationship to stop us from getting things done or working on our projects, so we'll be going to the hardware store on the weekend as we both have things to check off our lists that require that errand), which gives me reasons to feel confident.

So far life is pretty good.  Yesterday it rained quite a long time for Brisbane (though I'm sure everyone was thinking "If this continues are we going to have a repeat of 2010?"), so I hope the creeks are now actually filled with flowing water (I mostly find Queensland a beautiful place to live) instead of depressingly dry.  I wore what I like to consider my rainy day outfit (a flowy white top with a blue/gray pattern) and my Spotify automatically shuffled music that seemed to have the same tempo as the raindrops while I was walking around outside.